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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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A-Rod To Reporter After Interview: 'How Was That?'

NEW YORK—Following an interview with YES Network analyst Kimberly Jones, Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez immediately began inquring as to the quality of his answers. "Was that good? Do you think people will like that?" asked Rodriguez to a nonchalant Jones, who attempted to explain that people "don't really care about these things." "Maybe we should do it again, and this time I can smile more—or less—whatever you think would be better. And maybe I should unbutton my top button to look more relaxed, you know, like, cool. And I forgot to tell Yankee fans how much I love them. Can we get that in? I'm such an idiot." YES executives insisted he did fine and that they didn't need any more footage, but Rodriguez insisted that the crew accompany him to Yankee Stadium, where he had a production assistant pitch to him until he hit a homerun.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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