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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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AAA Member Pulled First From Car Crash

YAKIMA, WA—American Automobile Association member Janet Klugh enjoyed one of the many perks of membership in the organization Monday, when she was pulled first from the wreckage of a violent two-car collision on Hwy. C. "It was wonderful," Klugh said. "Even though the driver of the other car was more seriously injured, pinned beneath the wheel with her left lung collapsed, the AAA paramedics helped me first." Klugh also enjoyed free bandages and a TripTik® with directions to a local hospital.

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