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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Aaron Rodgers

STRENGTHS: Sees the field almost too well, so is sometimes distracted by unevenly cut grass or poorly painted on-field lines; best time-out calling mechanics in NFL; uses mobility and quick feet to escape shadow of Brett Favre

WEAKNESSES: Your knees, when you stare directly into his piercing eyes; for unknown reasons, many of his pass attempts are met with hostility by certain other football players who attempt to obstruct the ball or even physically assault Rodgers himself; can make all the throws, but struggles with the incomplete pass

PERSONAL MOTTO: Work hard, be born with incredible talent, never give up, also be born with charming good looks, be a good teammate, have several million dollars, and good things will happen to you

FAVORITE PLAY: The one where you don't hear a loud pop and then black out for 30 seconds

CONCUSSIONS SUFFERED: Waffles and freshly squeezed orange juice; Lake Superior; sort of a shiny purple

NEXT: Donald Driver

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