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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Aaron Rodgers To Spend Offseason Being Compared To Things

GREEN BAY, WI—NFL experts said Friday that Aaron Rodgers, who since winning the Super Bowl has been likened to his predecessor Brett Favre and 49ers great Steve Young, will spend the rest of the offseason being compared to everything from other football players to inanimate objects and abstract concepts. "His accuracy reminds some of Peyton Manning, his easygoing masculinity is reminiscent of Steve McQueen, and his reliability and durability make you think of the Honda Civic family sedan," Peter King wrote in the Feb. 14 issue of Sports Illustrated, which also featured articles comparing Rodgers to Derek Jeter, Frank Lloyd Wright's Fallingwater mansion, the blue-eyed soul music of the 1960s, Barbaro, and Microsoft. "Of course, it's too early in his career to compare him to Jordan in terms of either the basketball player or the Middle Eastern nation." Rodgers has not commented on any of the early comparisons, although he consented to an interview for an upcoming ESPN piece that will compare him to Super Bowl–winning Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers.

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