adBlockCheck

Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

Aaron Rodgers To Spend Offseason Being Compared To Things

GREEN BAY, WI—NFL experts said Friday that Aaron Rodgers, who since winning the Super Bowl has been likened to his predecessor Brett Favre and 49ers great Steve Young, will spend the rest of the offseason being compared to everything from other football players to inanimate objects and abstract concepts. "His accuracy reminds some of Peyton Manning, his easygoing masculinity is reminiscent of Steve McQueen, and his reliability and durability make you think of the Honda Civic family sedan," Peter King wrote in the Feb. 14 issue of Sports Illustrated, which also featured articles comparing Rodgers to Derek Jeter, Frank Lloyd Wright's Fallingwater mansion, the blue-eyed soul music of the 1960s, Barbaro, and Microsoft. "Of course, it's too early in his career to compare him to Jordan in terms of either the basketball player or the Middle Eastern nation." Rodgers has not commented on any of the early comparisons, although he consented to an interview for an upcoming ESPN piece that will compare him to Super Bowl–winning Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close