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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Patriotic Teen Fails Spanish

Jean Anne Whorton goes Beyond The Facts, talking to the high school sophomore who has become a conservative hero for refusing to learn his Spanish vocabulary.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.

Manager Can’t Remember Why He Came Out To Mound

HOUSTON—Visibly irritated with himself as he paced around the pitcher’s plate after calling for time during the fourth inning of their game against the Washington Nationals, Houston Astros manager A.J. Hinch could not remember why he came out to the mound in the first place, sources confirmed Thursday.
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Aaron Rodgers To Spend Offseason Being Compared To Things

GREEN BAY, WI—NFL experts said Friday that Aaron Rodgers, who since winning the Super Bowl has been likened to his predecessor Brett Favre and 49ers great Steve Young, will spend the rest of the offseason being compared to everything from other football players to inanimate objects and abstract concepts. "His accuracy reminds some of Peyton Manning, his easygoing masculinity is reminiscent of Steve McQueen, and his reliability and durability make you think of the Honda Civic family sedan," Peter King wrote in the Feb. 14 issue of Sports Illustrated, which also featured articles comparing Rodgers to Derek Jeter, Frank Lloyd Wright's Fallingwater mansion, the blue-eyed soul music of the 1960s, Barbaro, and Microsoft. "Of course, it's too early in his career to compare him to Jordan in terms of either the basketball player or the Middle Eastern nation." Rodgers has not commented on any of the early comparisons, although he consented to an interview for an upcoming ESPN piece that will compare him to Super Bowl–winning Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers.

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