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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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AARP Blasted As Out Of Touch, Past Its Prime

WASHINGTON, DC—A coalition of young professionals criticized the American Association of Retired Persons at a press conference Monday, calling the organization "woefully out of step with the general public." "These AARPsters are the old guard of a bygone era, and it's time to bring them down," said Troy Hebner, president of the organization Stop The Aged, which aims to lessen the AARP's lobbying power. "A full 100 percent of their membership is over age 55. Many of them no longer even work. What could their views on Social Security and health insurance have to do with us?" In December, Stop The Aged made headlines by threatening to file a $1 billion age-discrimination lawsuit against the AARP.

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