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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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Abby Sunderland - Concocted History's Most Extreme Plan To Get Out Of A Summer Job

Teenage Adventurer

Few will be able to forget when 16-year-old California native Abby Sunderland set out this year to become the youngest person ever to circumnavigate the globe solo and avoid having to work a summer job just like everyone else her age.

Beginning in Marina del Rey, where the lazy teen did everything she could to avoid picking up a few shifts a week as a greeter at Patagonia or—God forbid—deliver pizzas, Sunderland guided her 40-foot sloop Wild Eyes southward until malfunctioning power generators forced her ashore in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. On her second attempt, timed precisely to avoid the months when all the local landscaping places were hiring, she rounded Cape Horn and crossed the Atlantic. After a rogue wave destroyed her ship's mast in the middle of the ocean, Sunderland was rescued from an honest week's work some 2,000 miles east of Madagascar, and more than 5,000 miles from the nearest grease trap. After a summer spent trying to prove that exhausting physical obstacles are no match for human will, Abby Sunderland doesn't even have a decent line on her resumé.

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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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