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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

About FactZone with Brooke Alvarez

FactZone with Brooke Alvarez is the highest-rated prime-time cable news show in America, offering breaking news updates, in-depth reporting, insightful analysis of current events, and constant monitoring of public opinion through online polls, viewer tweets, and U-Reports. The winner of three "Swoosh Awards For Most Awesome News Graphics" since its debut in 2006, no other news show has done more to bombard viewers with an unrelenting stream of essential information. 

FactZone is known for its political programming, beginning their coverage of the 2008 presidential election in 2006 and extending it through 2010, as well as its investigative reports on missing girls, racecar explosions, and reality-TV trends.

FactZone producers have made a vow to "respect the viewers' time," packing more news into a 30-minute program than competing shows on CNN or FOX do in two to three hours of programming. Much of the credit is due to Brooke Alvarez, whose perfect annunciation allows for news delivery at a rate 33 percent higher than other broadcasters. 

Regular FactZone segments include:

"Media Monitor"—Host Brooke Alvarez exposes the gross negligence of other so-called news organizations.

"First Responders"—First on the scene for debating any issue, the First Responders offer the fastest and loudest analysis in TV news.

"Beyond The Facts"—Jean Anne Whorton goes in-depth, nodding thoughtfully at the real story behind the headline.

"Today In History"—Co-host Tucker Hope takes us back in time for a lesson about important historical events.

"In My Sights"—Brooke Alvarez offers simple, succinct, straightforward solutions to the world's most-complicated problems. 

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