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NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Who Are Donald Trump’s Supporters?

As Election Day draws near and GOP candidate Donald Trump continues to retain a loyal supporter base, many wonder who these voters are and what motivates them. Here are some key facts to know
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About FactZone with Brooke Alvarez

FactZone with Brooke Alvarez is the highest-rated prime-time cable news show in America, offering breaking news updates, in-depth reporting, insightful analysis of current events, and constant monitoring of public opinion through online polls, viewer tweets, and U-Reports. The winner of three "Swoosh Awards For Most Awesome News Graphics" since its debut in 2006, no other news show has done more to bombard viewers with an unrelenting stream of essential information. 

FactZone is known for its political programming, beginning their coverage of the 2008 presidential election in 2006 and extending it through 2010, as well as its investigative reports on missing girls, racecar explosions, and reality-TV trends.

FactZone producers have made a vow to "respect the viewers' time," packing more news into a 30-minute program than competing shows on CNN or FOX do in two to three hours of programming. Much of the credit is due to Brooke Alvarez, whose perfect annunciation allows for news delivery at a rate 33 percent higher than other broadcasters. 

Regular FactZone segments include:

"Media Monitor"—Host Brooke Alvarez exposes the gross negligence of other so-called news organizations.

"First Responders"—First on the scene for debating any issue, the First Responders offer the fastest and loudest analysis in TV news.

"Beyond The Facts"—Jean Anne Whorton goes in-depth, nodding thoughtfully at the real story behind the headline.

"Today In History"—Co-host Tucker Hope takes us back in time for a lesson about important historical events.

"In My Sights"—Brooke Alvarez offers simple, succinct, straightforward solutions to the world's most-complicated problems. 

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