adBlockCheck

About The Onion News Network

Top Headlines

Recent News

The TSA’s Plans For Improvement

The Transportation Security Administration has pledged to revamp its processes in response to recent record-setting airport lines and wait times. Here are some ways in which the TSA plans to improve

God Admits Stealing Idea For Messiah From Zoroastrianism

THE HEAVENS—Under pressure from scholars, who for centuries have pointed out strong similarities between certain aspects of the two religions, God finally admitted Tuesday that He had stolen the idea for the Messiah from Zoroastrianism and used it as a major feature of the Judeo-Christian tradition.

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

About The Onion News Network


The Onion News Network is the most popular 24-hour cable news network in America, delivering hard-hitting, up-to-the-minute reporting to more than 100 million households nationwide. The network boasts more attack satellites than any other news organization and no other channel has more secret surveillance cameras in homes, businesses, and high-level government offices. Onion News Network is truly the most powerful name in news.

The Onion News Network's vast array of programming includes Today Now! for morning news to ease you softly into your day, Washington This Afternoon and the Cressbeckler Stance for astute political commentary, Star Fix for obsessive coverage of celebrity and entertainment events, Cross Examination with Shelby Cross for tracking the latest legal cases, and In The Know for no-holds-barred debate.

The Onion News Network has spawned more than 100 subsidiary news channels, five separate Onion Business Channels, the Onion Prison Network, and OnionAisle, a news channel played on department store electronics display models. Globally, Onion-branded channels reach 811 countries in 152 languages. The Onion News Network is one component of the larger Onion media empire which includes the Onion Broadcasting Channel (OBC) for general programming, Onion Pictures for major film releases, and the Onion News Bar & Grill with more than 2,000 restaurant locations nationwide.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close