adBlockCheck

Recent News

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
End Of Section
  • More News

About The Onion News Network


The Onion News Network is the most popular 24-hour cable news network in America, delivering hard-hitting, up-to-the-minute reporting to more than 100 million households nationwide. The network boasts more attack satellites than any other news organization and no other channel has more secret surveillance cameras in homes, businesses, and high-level government offices. Onion News Network is truly the most powerful name in news.

The Onion News Network's vast array of programming includes Today Now! for morning news to ease you softly into your day, Washington This Afternoon and the Cressbeckler Stance for astute political commentary, Star Fix for obsessive coverage of celebrity and entertainment events, Cross Examination with Shelby Cross for tracking the latest legal cases, and In The Know for no-holds-barred debate.

The Onion News Network has spawned more than 100 subsidiary news channels, five separate Onion Business Channels, the Onion Prison Network, and OnionAisle, a news channel played on department store electronics display models. Globally, Onion-branded channels reach 811 countries in 152 languages. The Onion News Network is one component of the larger Onion media empire which includes the Onion Broadcasting Channel (OBC) for general programming, Onion Pictures for major film releases, and the Onion News Bar & Grill with more than 2,000 restaurant locations nationwide.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close