Absent-Minded Professor Says Cure For Cancer 'Around Here Somewhere'

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Vol 30 Issue 13

Total Hunk Sitting Over By Plant

SCHAUMBURG, IL—According to several female shoppers at Woodfield Mall, a total hunk was sitting by a plant near the Wok 'n' Roll booth Friday. "He's so cute," said Melanie Ford, 22. The hunk was reportedly wearing a gray cardigan sweater and had "strong-looking hands." "I'm, like, imagining what it would be like to ride in his car," Ford's friend, Jessica Loew, said. A One Potato Two official could not verify the report, as the manager had left strict instructions that the register was not to be left unattended.

Local Dullard Opts For Vocational School

MILFORD, MD—In an attempt to earn more than $5.50 per hour, Alice Stellsen, a local dullard and mother of two, will attend Maryland Tech School this fall. "I was thinking of going into cosmetology or maybe data entry," she said Saturday. Both vocations, according to Stellsen, are nonspecific skills that anyone with a high-school education could learn to do, and therefore require no special talent or aptitude. "I am not special," she said. "Anyone could be taught these skills."

Jesus Christ Believed In

ELKHART, IN—According to reports, legendary Biblical figure Jesus Christ is believed in by area resident Milton Grelskum. Grelskum, a 37-year-old machine tool operator, admits to believing that Christ is the son of Yahweh, the Hebrew God, and that Christ's crucifixion has paved the way for Grelskum to receive an eternity of peace after death. "I believe Jesus is the way, the truth and the light," Grelskum said Monday. He added that he has a "personal relationship" with Jesus, which involves conversations with the Nazarene in his mind. "I love Jesus," Grelskum said. Grelskum's friends and neighbors are jealous of Grelskum's friendship. Said co-worker Tim Judd: "The most important person I communicate with in my mind is Emperor Charlemagne, and he hasn't promised me jack squat in the afterlife."

Frito-Lay Targets Blacks With New Menthol Doritos

DALLAS—The Frito-Lay Corporation is making a strong play for the lucrative African-American market with "Doritos Dark and Smooths," a new menthol-flavored snack chip product. The tortilla chips will be liquefied and sold in 40-ounce containers. "New Menthol Doritos... works every time," pitchman Billy Dee Williams said in his trademark sexy voice at a press conference Monday. Frito-Lay will be test-marketing the product on Chicago's South Side this month with the slogan, "New Doritos Dark and Smooths... So Dark... So Smooth."

Retro-Crazed Youths Re-Elect Carter

WASHINGTON, DC—A massive turnout of '70s-obsessed youths is being blamed for Jimmy Carter's surprise victory in Tuesday's presidential election. According to election officials, polling places were overrun with millions of 18- to 23-year-olds wearing Charlie's Angels T-shirts and carrying Scooby Doo lunchboxes. "The '70s were so cool," said Michelle Poole, 19, a barrette-wearing, Fisher Price toy-collecting Carter supporter. "It's like, that old-school Carter Administration shit rocked." According to Carter spokesman Edward Rowell, "President-Elect Carter will do his best to serve the mandate of '70s retro culture. He will boycott the Olympic Games, try to create another energy crisis and appoint many well-known '70s TV personalities, including Fred Berry and Gabe Kaplan, to top Cabinet posts."

The Story of Romeo and Juliet Is Not A Very Good Love Story

It is at this time of the year that many a young man's thoughts turn to love and wooing the fairer sex. And, I ask you, what better place to take your lady friend on a first date than to take them to the pictures? Ah, the magical moving pictures on the silver screen! There have been many occasions where a young suitor took a dame to the bijou and was rewarded with a smooch on the cheek, I am told. And so it was in my day, when romance was not just a word!

I Need A Buck-Fifty To Get To Detroit

Hey, how you all doin' this evening? Say, I gotta ask you something. You got a second? Come over here. Come on over, I ain't gonna hurt you. Okay, I'll come over there.

Clinton: Part 2

As America stands on the brink of the second half of the Bill Clinton Era, what are your thoughts?
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Absent-Minded Professor Says Cure For Cancer 'Around Here Somewhere'

BALTIMORE—After a lifetime dedicated to finding a cure for cancer, absent-minded Johns Hopkins University professor Humbert E. Huggins reports that a 100 percent effective cure for cancer exists and is somewhere in his home, "probably in this big pile of papers or the one in the hall closet."

Prof. Humbert E. Huggins has looked all over his office, but has not yet been able to find the cure for cancer. He believes the key to eradicating the disease may lie "in a big box under my dining room table."

The cure, involving "smart enzymes" that locate and surround cancerous and anaplastic cells, effectively "suffocating" them, was the result of 28 years of research by the comically forgetful Huggins and his cancer research team at Johns Hopkins.

Sorting through a three-foot-high stack of papers in his living room, Huggins said of the revolutionary cure, "I remember sticking something in here a couple of days ago... I think it might have been the cure."

"Hundreds of thousands of experimental solutions over the last three decades were tested on laboratory mice that were infected with cancer," said team member Patricia Graves. "When 15 batches of mice suddenly went into dramatic remission, we knew we had struck medical gold. Regrettably, the brilliant but addle-pated Professor Huggins was at that time reviewing the records of the study in his home."

As of press time, Huggins had yet to locate the three sheets of white notebook paper listing the precise formulations for test solutions BEC-32916 through 32930, though he stressed he was "retracing all my steps of the last few days."

The simplicity of the materials used ensured that when mass-produced in pill form, the cure would cost only four cents for a weekly dose. Huggins said he intends to place the cure into the public domain to guarantee the global eradication of cancer within five years. He further added it is possible that the cure is in one of the blue binders that used to be on the shelf above his television and is now somewhere else.

"This is quite possibly the greatest breakthrough in medical history," Huggins said. "And it is quite possibly in one of the boxes under the dining room table."

The Nobel Foundation said yesterday that Huggins is automatically nominated for two Nobel Prizes in Medicine, one for finding the cancer cure and one if he finds it again.

"He lost the [cancer] cure?" said team member Dr. Stephen Blake upon learning of the missing documents. "How could he lose the [cancer] cure?"

Added Blake, "What a [forgetful professor]."

The medical community is rejoicing at the discovery of the cure, wherever it may be. "This discovery, as soon as it is discovered again, will surely awaken a new age for medicine," says Harvard University researcher Dr. Henry Caldwell. "Imagine a future in which those diagnosed with cancer will have only to go to the drugstore and pay a dollar for their cure. Whenever this future arrives, I hope it is soon. Has Professor Huggins looked in the back seat of his car? Because a lot of times I leave stuff there."

Huggins does not own a car, because when he did own one, his absent-minded condition caused him to lose his keys constantly. He has traveled to and from work by bus for the past 12 years.

"Jeez," Huggins said, "I didn't leave it on the bus, did I?"

Even more than the medical community, the millions of cancer sufferers around the world are excited by the new breakthrough. "Well, how hard is he looking?" said 15-year-old brain cancer patient Caryn Williams, who stands to live many decades longer given the cure. "How big is this house of his?"

"Actually, now that I think of it, it might be back at the office," Huggins said. "I remember bringing one of my leather satchels there with a bunch of papers that were under my bed. But then where did I put it?"

Huggins has not ruled out the possibility that other, non-cancerous diseases can be cured with certain strains of the cancer cure or that the cure is in his basement, where many of his important papers are stored.

Anyone with leads to the location of the cure is asked to contact Professor Huggins at the university. He is not accepting calls asking where he last saw the cure. "That's what I'm trying to remember," he said.

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