Absent-Minded Professor Says Cure For Cancer 'Around Here Somewhere'

Top Headlines

Science & Technology

Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

Disney Begins Uploading Obama’s Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot

BAY LAKE, FL—In an effort to provide park visitors with the most true-to-life attraction possible, Walt Disney World officials announced Monday that computer technicians have begun uploading Barack Obama’s consciousness into his animatronic robot likeness at the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents exhibit.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Absent-Minded Professor Says Cure For Cancer 'Around Here Somewhere'

BALTIMORE—After a lifetime dedicated to finding a cure for cancer, absent-minded Johns Hopkins University professor Humbert E. Huggins reports that a 100 percent effective cure for cancer exists and is somewhere in his home, "probably in this big pile of papers or the one in the hall closet."

Prof. Humbert E. Huggins has looked all over his office, but has not yet been able to find the cure for cancer. He believes the key to eradicating the disease may lie "in a big box under my dining room table."

The cure, involving "smart enzymes" that locate and surround cancerous and anaplastic cells, effectively "suffocating" them, was the result of 28 years of research by the comically forgetful Huggins and his cancer research team at Johns Hopkins.

Sorting through a three-foot-high stack of papers in his living room, Huggins said of the revolutionary cure, "I remember sticking something in here a couple of days ago... I think it might have been the cure."

"Hundreds of thousands of experimental solutions over the last three decades were tested on laboratory mice that were infected with cancer," said team member Patricia Graves. "When 15 batches of mice suddenly went into dramatic remission, we knew we had struck medical gold. Regrettably, the brilliant but addle-pated Professor Huggins was at that time reviewing the records of the study in his home."

As of press time, Huggins had yet to locate the three sheets of white notebook paper listing the precise formulations for test solutions BEC-32916 through 32930, though he stressed he was "retracing all my steps of the last few days."

The simplicity of the materials used ensured that when mass-produced in pill form, the cure would cost only four cents for a weekly dose. Huggins said he intends to place the cure into the public domain to guarantee the global eradication of cancer within five years. He further added it is possible that the cure is in one of the blue binders that used to be on the shelf above his television and is now somewhere else.

"This is quite possibly the greatest breakthrough in medical history," Huggins said. "And it is quite possibly in one of the boxes under the dining room table."

The Nobel Foundation said yesterday that Huggins is automatically nominated for two Nobel Prizes in Medicine, one for finding the cancer cure and one if he finds it again.

"He lost the [cancer] cure?" said team member Dr. Stephen Blake upon learning of the missing documents. "How could he lose the [cancer] cure?"

Added Blake, "What a [forgetful professor]."

The medical community is rejoicing at the discovery of the cure, wherever it may be. "This discovery, as soon as it is discovered again, will surely awaken a new age for medicine," says Harvard University researcher Dr. Henry Caldwell. "Imagine a future in which those diagnosed with cancer will have only to go to the drugstore and pay a dollar for their cure. Whenever this future arrives, I hope it is soon. Has Professor Huggins looked in the back seat of his car? Because a lot of times I leave stuff there."

Huggins does not own a car, because when he did own one, his absent-minded condition caused him to lose his keys constantly. He has traveled to and from work by bus for the past 12 years.

"Jeez," Huggins said, "I didn't leave it on the bus, did I?"

Even more than the medical community, the millions of cancer sufferers around the world are excited by the new breakthrough. "Well, how hard is he looking?" said 15-year-old brain cancer patient Caryn Williams, who stands to live many decades longer given the cure. "How big is this house of his?"

"Actually, now that I think of it, it might be back at the office," Huggins said. "I remember bringing one of my leather satchels there with a bunch of papers that were under my bed. But then where did I put it?"

Huggins has not ruled out the possibility that other, non-cancerous diseases can be cured with certain strains of the cancer cure or that the cure is in his basement, where many of his important papers are stored.

Anyone with leads to the location of the cure is asked to contact Professor Huggins at the university. He is not accepting calls asking where he last saw the cure. "That's what I'm trying to remember," he said.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close