Absent-Minded Professor Says Cure For Cancer 'Around Here Somewhere'

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Vol 33 Issue 02

Microsoft Signs Justice Dept. Attorney To $350 Million Endorsement Deal

REDMOND, WA—Microsoft Corp. signed Justice Department assistant attorney general Joel Klein to a three-year, $350 million endorsement deal Monday. Klein, who will appear in Microsoft TV and print ads, joins a growing list of high-profile government personalities who have signed endorsement deals with the software giant, including solicitor general Seth Waxman, FTC chair Robert Pitofsky and federal judge Thomas Penfield Jackson. "We are thrilled to have a big-time celebrity like Joel Klein endorsing our products," Microsoft’s Bill Gates said. "This highly recognizable figure should help greatly increase public awareness of Microsoft." Said Klein: "I am very excited to lend my image and name to Microsoft, America’s Software People. The company has long impressed me with the high quality of its products and its fair, non-monopolistic business practices." Klein then issued a cease-and-desist order against Apple Computer for anti-competitive pricing tactics, deceptive advertising, and unlawful employment of underage slave labor.

Local Couple Needs To Talk

TAMPA, FL—According to a just-released report, Tampa resident Phillip Washburn and girlfriend Jennifer Healy badly need to talk. "Despite the seemingly solid nature of the couple’s relationship," the report read, "Washburn and Healy need to get some things straight and determine just where things stand right now. They also need to figure out exactly where they’re headed." If the couple fails to talk, they face possible breakup, redistribution of personal items, and an undetermined period of involuntary abstinence.

MTV Promotes, Airs, Condemns Controversial New Video

NEW YORK—MTV is reacting with stern condemnation and heavy rotation to the video for "Cut My Slut’s Cunt Up," the controversial new song by Miscogynator, a Keith Flint-fronted Prodigy side project. The video, which has outraged feminists with its graphic depictions of nude women being brutally beaten, is, according to MTV News' Kurt Loder, "an offensive, sick, degrading abomination that goes beyond all limits of decency, and will be aired unedited at least 15 times a day on MTV. Watch it often, and see for yourself just how wrong it is." Said MTV president David Zell: "Because of the disgusting, reprehensible nature of this video, MTV is only airing it between 11 p.m. and 7 a.m. EST, when all teens are asleep, and between 8 a.m. and 3 p.m. EST, when all teens are at school. This tough stance will ensure that no underage viewers will ever be exposed to this crass exercise in exploitation."

Congress To Ironhead: 'What's With This Thingy?'

WASHINGTON, DC—Under fire for a litany of alleged "inappropriately feminine" personal-hygiene practices, St. Louis Rams running back Craig "Ironhead" Heyward testified under federal subpoena Monday before the Senate Investigatory Subcommittee on Bath And Shower Gender-Role Standards And Norms.

Penthouse Reader Never Thought This Would Happen To Him

NEW YORK—In a startling, improbable turn of events, a reader of the popular men's entertainment magazine Penthouse recently became involved in a real-life sex-fantasy scenario, the likes of which he had previously believed impossible for "an ordinary guy like me," Forum sources reported Monday.

HUD Allocates $260 Million For Low-Outcome Housing

WASHINGTON, DC—Department of Housing and Urban Development Secretary Andrew Cuomo announced Wednesday that his department will allocate $260 million toward the construction of more than 50,000 low-outcome housing units in cities across the U.S.

I Wish To Go To Heaven

Booooo! It is I, the ghost of Herman Ulysses Zweibel, founder of The Onion, or, as it was known in my day, The Mercantile-Onion. Booooo!
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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Absent-Minded Professor Says Cure For Cancer 'Around Here Somewhere'

BALTIMORE—After a lifetime dedicated to finding a cure for cancer, Johns Hopkins University absent-minded professor Humbert E. Huggins announced Monday that a 100 percent effective cure for cancer exists and is somewhere in his home, "probably in that big pile of papers by the back door or in the one in the hall closet."

Prof. Humbert E. Huggins has looked all over his office, but has not yet been able to find the cure for cancer. He believes the key to eradicating the disease may lie "in a big box under my dining-room table."

The cure, which involves "smart enzymes" that locate and surround cancerous and anaplastic cells, effectively "suffocating" them, was the result of 28 years of research by the comically forgetful Huggins and his cancer-research team at Johns Hopkins.

Sorting through a three-foot-high stack of papers in his living room, Huggins said, "I remember sticking something in here a couple of days ago. I think it might have been the cure."

Fellow researcher Patricia Graves explained how they arrived at the cure.

"Hundreds of thousands of experimental solutions over the last three decades were tested on laboratory mice that were infected with cancer," Graves said. "When 15 batches of mice suddenly went into dramatic remission, we knew we had struck medical gold. Regrettably, the brilliant but addle-pated Professor Huggins was reviewing the records of the study in his home at the time."

As of press time, Huggins had yet to locate the three sheets of white notebook paper listing the precise formulations for test solutions BEC-32916 through 32930. He did stress, however, that he was "retracing all my steps of the last few days."

The simplicity of the materials used ensured that when mass-produced in pill form, the cure would cost only four cents for a weekly dose. Huggins said he had intended to make the cure public domain to guarantee the global eradication of cancer within five years. He also said it is possible that the cure is in one of the blue binders that used to be on the shelf above his television and is now somewhere else.

"This is quite possibly the greatest breakthrough in medical history," Huggins said. "And it is quite possibly in one of the boxes under the dining room table."

In a statement last week, the Nobel Foundation said that Huggins has been nominated for two Nobel Prizes in Medicine, one for finding the cancer cure and one if he finds it again.

"He lost the [cancer] cure?" said team member Dr. Stephen Blake upon learning of the missing documents. "How could he lose the [cancer] cure?"

Added Blake: "What a [forgetful professor]."

The medical community is rejoicing over the discovery of the cure, wherever it may be. "This discovery, as soon as it is discovered again, will surely usher in a new age for medicine," said Harvard University oncologist Dr. Henry Caldwell. "Imagine a future in which those diagnosed with cancer will have only to go to the drugstore and pay a dollar for the cure. Has Professor Huggins looked in the back seat of his car? Because a lot of times I leave stuff there."

When informed of Caldwell's comments, Huggins responded that he does not own a car, because when he did own one, his absent-minded condition caused him to lose his keys "constantly." He said he has traveled to and from work by bus for the past 12 years.

"Jeez," Huggins said, "I didn't leave it on the bus, did I?"

Millions of cancer patients around the world are excited by news of the breakthrough. "Well, how hard is he looking?" said 15-year-old Caryn Williams of Helena, MT, who was recently diagnosed with inoperable brain cancer. "How big is that house of his?"

"Actually, now that I think of it, it might be back at the office," Huggins said. "I remember bringing one of my leather satchels there with a bunch of papers that were under my bed. But then where did I put it?"

Huggins has not ruled out the possibility that other, non-cancerous diseases can be cured with permutations of the cancer cure, or that the cure is in his basement, where many of his important papers are stored.

Anyone with information regarding the location of the cure is asked to contact Professor Huggins at the university. He is not accepting calls asking where he last saw the cure. "That's what I'm trying to remember," he said.

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