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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Abusive Husband Has Sense Of Humor About It

CARUTHERSVILLE, MO—It would be easy for abusive husband Glenn Osteen to complain. Out of breath, fists bruised and bloodied from repeated strikes against bone, one would almost expect the 39-year-old to surrender to frustration, to scream out in anger and demand that his wife unlock the bathroom door. Fortunately, Osteen's learned the secret to getting through rough times: a sense of humor.

Osteen, with his "best friend," after a particularly grueling—and frustrating—beating.

"Let's face it, the daily grind can be brutal," says Osteen as he rummages through his battered old toolbox for a pipe wrench. "The way I see it, either you let your wife's broken jaw get under your skin and make you miserable, or you just roll with the punches and try to make the best of an already bad situation."

"Why beat yourself up about something you have no control over?" Osteen adds, kicking down the bathroom door on his sixth attempt and tossing the wrench playfully from hand to hand. "It's like the old saying: If you can't laugh at life, then chances are you're living it wrong."

Hours later, sitting in his favorite armchair while wife Samantha silently prepares a warmer and more conservatively seasoned dinner, Osteen admits he wasn't always able to see the funny side of life.

"I used to spend days feeling sorry for myself, wondering how things might've turned out if I'd married a woman who actually listened for a change," says Osteen, who admits he used to take domestic abuse too seriously. "Then one night—I don't know whether it was the sight of Samantha desperately trying to crawl toward the phone or the way the blood running out her nose formed that ridiculous-looking mustache—I suddenly burst out laughing." 

Adds Osteen: "The whole situation can seem so insane sometimes, it's almost impossible not to crack up." 

Armed with the newfound knowledge that it's useless to get upset about a situation that he "can't do anything to change," Osteen refuses to let life's ups and downs stop him from enjoying some of his favorite activities. Whether drinking excessively at his regular bar every evening or closing himself off in the basement to watch hour upon hour of silent pornography on his antique film projector, Osteen can often be heard making light of his circumstances.

"I don't know how he does it," says Robert Hodge, a longtime friend of the couple. "If I was in his position, I don't think I'd be able to kid around about biting my wife in the head. I would probably have a hard time discussing it at all."

Osteen bashfully admits that his antics sometimes backfire—like the time he became so paranoid that Samantha was out with her coworker, David, that he spent the entire evening driving around trying to catch them together, only to find her at her sister's house. As a result, Osteen  missed most of the much-anticipated Lions–Bears football game.

"Man, that was a real kick in the gut," Osteen says with a chuckle. "But I guess we both got what we deserved."

While he manages to joke about his bad luck most of the time, Osteen admits there are days—such as last Thursday, when Samantha used too much starch in his best dress shirt—when it's still difficult to laugh off his lot in life.

"There are always going to be those moments when you lose sight of the humor in the situation and just clench your fists in frustration," Osteen says. "What's important is being able to take a step back, quickly pull down the living room blinds, and try to keep things in perspective."

In the end, Osteen says, it's all relative.

"As tough as it is, there's always someone out there who has it a lot worse than you," adds Osteen. "Fortunately, Samantha is there to remind me of that."

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