adBlockCheck

Abusive Husband Has Sense Of Humor About It

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Abusive Husband Has Sense Of Humor About It

CARUTHERSVILLE, MO—It would be easy for abusive husband Glenn Osteen to complain. Out of breath, fists bruised and bloodied from repeated strikes against bone, one would almost expect the 39-year-old to surrender to frustration, to scream out in anger and demand that his wife unlock the bathroom door. Fortunately, Osteen's learned the secret to getting through rough times: a sense of humor.

Osteen, with his "best friend," after a particularly grueling—and frustrating—beating.

"Let's face it, the daily grind can be brutal," says Osteen as he rummages through his battered old toolbox for a pipe wrench. "The way I see it, either you let your wife's broken jaw get under your skin and make you miserable, or you just roll with the punches and try to make the best of an already bad situation."

"Why beat yourself up about something you have no control over?" Osteen adds, kicking down the bathroom door on his sixth attempt and tossing the wrench playfully from hand to hand. "It's like the old saying: If you can't laugh at life, then chances are you're living it wrong."

Hours later, sitting in his favorite armchair while wife Samantha silently prepares a warmer and more conservatively seasoned dinner, Osteen admits he wasn't always able to see the funny side of life.

"I used to spend days feeling sorry for myself, wondering how things might've turned out if I'd married a woman who actually listened for a change," says Osteen, who admits he used to take domestic abuse too seriously. "Then one night—I don't know whether it was the sight of Samantha desperately trying to crawl toward the phone or the way the blood running out her nose formed that ridiculous-looking mustache—I suddenly burst out laughing." 

Adds Osteen: "The whole situation can seem so insane sometimes, it's almost impossible not to crack up." 

Armed with the newfound knowledge that it's useless to get upset about a situation that he "can't do anything to change," Osteen refuses to let life's ups and downs stop him from enjoying some of his favorite activities. Whether drinking excessively at his regular bar every evening or closing himself off in the basement to watch hour upon hour of silent pornography on his antique film projector, Osteen can often be heard making light of his circumstances.

"I don't know how he does it," says Robert Hodge, a longtime friend of the couple. "If I was in his position, I don't think I'd be able to kid around about biting my wife in the head. I would probably have a hard time discussing it at all."

Osteen bashfully admits that his antics sometimes backfire—like the time he became so paranoid that Samantha was out with her coworker, David, that he spent the entire evening driving around trying to catch them together, only to find her at her sister's house. As a result, Osteen  missed most of the much-anticipated Lions–Bears football game.

"Man, that was a real kick in the gut," Osteen says with a chuckle. "But I guess we both got what we deserved."

While he manages to joke about his bad luck most of the time, Osteen admits there are days—such as last Thursday, when Samantha used too much starch in his best dress shirt—when it's still difficult to laugh off his lot in life.

"There are always going to be those moments when you lose sight of the humor in the situation and just clench your fists in frustration," Osteen says. "What's important is being able to take a step back, quickly pull down the living room blinds, and try to keep things in perspective."

In the end, Osteen says, it's all relative.

"As tough as it is, there's always someone out there who has it a lot worse than you," adds Osteen. "Fortunately, Samantha is there to remind me of that."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close