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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Academy To Give Runners-Up Detailed Progress Reports Outlining Where Stars Can Improve

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to provide personalized feedback so that all Oscar nominees can strengthen their performance habits and ensure future awards success, members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences confirmed this week that they will issue in-depth progress reports to each of this year’s runners-up. “Every nominee who does not win in his or her category can expect to sit down with Academy president Cheryl Boone Isaacs for a 20-minute one-on-one to go over a three- to four-page summary of their specific dramatic strengths as well as some areas that require improvement,” said AMPAS public relations representative Rob Friedman, who added that the Academy would take all facets of an actor’s performance into consideration when compiling the assessments, including effort, range, and dialogue delivery, each of which would be evaluated on a standardized five-point scale. “Detailed, constructive evaluations are key to helping nominees develop the skills they need to thrive during the competitive awards season, and we hope that this new service will help take some of the guesswork out of what is expected of them and equip them to succeed going forward.” To help reinforce the reports’ recommendations, Friedman said that each runner-up would be required to write up a brief summary of their acting goals for the upcoming year and develop an actionable plan to achieve those goals.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

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