Access Hollywood Producer Would Never Work For Entertainment Tonight

In This Section

Vol 36 Issue 40

Half-Empty Bottle Of Malibu Found In Woods Behind School

JASPER, GA–A half-empty bottle of Malibu rum was discovered Monday in the woods behind Jasper Junior High School by a trio of eighth-graders. "We have located alcohol," said Mason Reed, 14, upon making the coconut-flavored find. "Repeat: We have alcohol." Following their one-cap-at-a-time consumption of the bottle's contents, Reed and partners Jake Seidel and Jesse Kite took turns insisting that they felt drunk.

Kinko's Patron Pulls The Old Copy-Key Switcheroo

LAWRENCE, KS–Kinko's patron Matt Morrow, 21, saved $9.23 Tuesday when he pulled the old copy-key switcheroo. "After making 200 copies of a flier for my band's upcoming gig, I put back the copy key and took a fresh one. I then used the new key to make 11 decoy copies, which I paid for." Morrow, a self-described "broke-ass bassist," called the five cents Kinko's charges per photocopy "a total rip."

Mozambique Out Of Toilet Paper

MAPUTO, MOZAMBIQUE–Mozambican officials declared a state of emergency Monday following the depletion of the nation's bathroom-tissue supply. "We are imploring Zimbabwe and Tanzania, please look into your hearts and think about loaning our nation just a few million rolls until we can go shopping again," President Joaquim Chissano said. "We are just sitting here." Chissano said citizens of the African nation are making do with napkins and paper towels until reinforcements arrive.

Report: TV Teens 15 Times More Likely To Crack Wise Than Real Teens

NEW YORK–According to a report released Tuesday by the Center For Media Studies, TV teens out-wisecrack real-life teens by a 15-to-1 margin. Said researcher Dr. Andrea Brewer: "Our study found that, when told by a parent, 'You know, son, when I was a kid, I didn't have my own TV in my room,' actual teens were far less likely to respond, 'Yeah, that's 'cause they hadn't been invented yet!' than their fictional counterparts." Brewer noted that the handful of real-life teens who make such smart-alecky retorts have a mere 2 percent chance of being met with laughter and applause.

NS/ND/C/DWF Wondering Why She Can't Find Someone

MINNEAPOLIS–Susan Stenerud, a divorced, white, non-smoking, non-drinking Christian who has placed "countless" personals ads over the years, wondered aloud Monday why she can't find someone special. "All I want is to find a D/D-free NS/ND/C/SWM who shares my strong morals and doesn't waste his time going to bars and parties," the 32-year-old said. "For some reason, no men seem to respond to that description."

The Low Voter Turnout

Despite being one of the closest presidential races in decades, the 2000 election drew a disappointingly low turnout. What do you think?

A Year Without Movie Magic? Say It Ain't So, Hollywood!

Item! Are you sitting down? I've just received some very, very bad news. A reliable source tells me that Hollywood's actors and writers are preparing to strike, meaning no movie magic in 2001! At first, I thought this was some kind of sick joke, but apparently it's true. Come on, Tinseltown, surely there must be some way for you to settle your differences without resorting to measures that would devastate the rest of us. I was all set to spend next year at my local dodecaplex, enjoying the big-screen thrills of Josie And The Pussycats, The General's Daughter II, and whatever Jerry Bruckheimer had in store. Now what will I do?

Dungeon Master

With the feast of the Thanks-giving nigh upon us, I thought it only proper that I graciously liberate a number of individuals currently chained in my estate's dungeon. Those who have earned pardons this year are:
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Access Hollywood Producer Would Never Work For Entertainment Tonight

HOLLYWOOD, CA–Danielle Pierce, 33, an assistant producer at Access Hollywood, told a friend Monday that she "could never and would never" work for Entertainment Tonight.

<i>Access Hollywood</i> assistant producer Danielle Pierce.

"Work for ET? No way. Never," Pierce told Liz Sharkey, a production assistant at Castle Rock Entertainment, over drinks at a Melrose Avenue bar. "Have you seen that show lately? They're so derivative over there. And slow. They didn't show a first look at the Charlie's Angels trailer until a week before the premiere. We hit air with it–and a bumper piece on Cameron's comic roles–10 days after ShoWest."

Scanning the bar in search of what she called "Extra Terrestrials," Pierce continued: "ET has no voice of its own. One minute, they're doing an E!-style fashion bit. The next, they're trying to be Extra. Our press kit says we're brash, up-to-the-minute, and wholly unique–and it's true. We lead, ET follows. It shows in everything we do, from the exclusive on-set peek at M. Night Shyamalan's latest thriller to the report on Angelina Jolie's controversial Oscar dress, to our coverage of more difficult subjects like the rumored friction on the Friends set."

"Sure, Access doesn't pay as much as ET. But we don't have to," said Pierce, squeezing a lime slice into her margarita. "People know they've stalled and that the culture just isn't the same. I met an ET researcher at a party last month–slightly phony guy–and, anyway, it was clear he didn't believe in the job. It's much more of an assembly-line mentality over there: Just churn it out. And that's really not helped by having [Bob] Goen and [Mary] Hart at the desk. Bob's a poor man's John Tesh, and Mary, she couldn't say her name without a cue card. [Access Hollywood anchor] Pat [O'Brien] is trusted and really knows his stuff. We could go live if we had to."

Pierce offered a specific example of what she believes to be Entertainment Tonight's lack of "freshness, savvy, and insight."

"I was watching their show last night, and they were doing a spot on the breakout new shows of the fall season–almost all of them were Paramount shows, of course. Shameless corporate tie-in. Okay, we do it sometimes, too, but not that bad. Anyway, at the start of this thing, they had a 'produced by' line, and there were three names. How can it take three people to produce this one segment unless you're really overstaffed and stifling people's creativity?"

As a result of the shows' radically divergent philosophies, Pierce said that Access Hollywood and Entertainment Tonight draw different types of viewers.

"They're half a ratings point above us in the average week, unless we land some kind of Tom Cruise exclusive or something. Survivor helped them, too, since they've got so many CBS carriers," Pierce said. "But their demos are for shit. I mean, we absolutely cream them among 18-to-35s. The only ones ET scores big with are people too old to know or care what's truly going on in Hollywood."

Added Pierce: "The difference is apparent in the names of the shows. They're all about the surface aspect of entertainment. We've got a deeper, far more insider angle, yet are still accessible to the casual fan."

"No, Liz, I could never, ever work there," Pierce said. "Not unless they changed their entire way of doing things. Why? Have you heard anything about that executive-producer position? Not that I'd be interested or anything."

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More