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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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‘Access Hollywood’ Reporter Vows To Get To Very Surface Of Story

LOS ANGELES—With many trivial questions still unanswered about the separation of pop star Robin Thicke from actress Paula Patton, Access Hollywood correspondent Liz Hernandez vowed Wednesday to do whatever it takes to get to the very surface of the story. “I will not rest until I’ve uncovered every single superficial detail and interviewed every vapid source about this troubled celebrity couple’s split,” said Hernandez, pledging to vigilantly document all of the latest speculation regarding Thicke’s new potential love interests and investigate any and all possible inane connections between the separation and Patton’s post-breakup wardrobe selections. “Our viewers deserve a presumptuous, insubstantial take on what went wrong, and I will jump to any conclusions necessary to make sure they are informed.” At press time, the intrepid entertainment journalist had reportedly come upon several heretofore unseen insignificant paparazzi photos of Thicke and discovered that the scope of the story was far more unimportant than anyone could ever imagine.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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