‘Access Hollywood’ Reporter Vows To Get To Very Surface Of Story

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Mark Zuckerberg Calls Obama To Complain About Spying

In an open letter he posted this week, Mark Zuckerberg wrote that he called President Obama to express his concerns about the NSA’s mass surveillance programs, which the Facebook founder considers a huge threat to the future of the internet.

Frugal Couple Saves Money By Making Own Porn

KIRKSVILLE, MO—Saying they’re trying to tighten their belts where they can and cut back on costly erotica expenses, local couple Christopher and Ellen Landstrom told reporters Friday they have been able to save money by making their own porn a...

Dog Doesn’t Consider Itself Part Of Family

THOMASVILLE, GA—While admitting that he relies on members of the family for food and shelter and is often included in household activities and family photographs, local 6-year-old golden retriever Pepper told reporters Friday that he in no way consi...

Sexual Predator Gets Tenure

Obama spends the afternoon in a garage restoring a classic drone, McDonald’s is now offering bereavement prices, and a sexual predator gets tenure.

Number Of Adults On ADHD Meds Reaches New High

According to a new report, the number of adults taking prescription medications for ADHD rose 50 percent between 2008 and 2012, leading many to question whether doctors are overprescribing the meds.
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‘Access Hollywood’ Reporter Vows To Get To Very Surface Of Story

LOS ANGELES—With many trivial questions still unanswered about the separation of pop star Robin Thicke from actress Paula Patton, Access Hollywood correspondent Liz Hernandez vowed Wednesday to do whatever it takes to get to the very surface of the story. “I will not rest until I’ve uncovered every single superficial detail and interviewed every vapid source about this troubled celebrity couple’s split,” said Hernandez, pledging to vigilantly document all of the latest speculation regarding Thicke’s new potential love interests and investigate any and all possible inane connections between the separation and Patton’s post-breakup wardrobe selections. “Our viewers deserve a presumptuous, insubstantial take on what went wrong, and I will jump to any conclusions necessary to make sure they are informed.” At press time, the intrepid entertainment journalist had reportedly come upon several heretofore unseen insignificant paparazzi photos of Thicke and discovered that the scope of the story was far more unimportant than anyone could ever imagine.

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