adBlockCheck

Local

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
End Of Section
  • More News

According To Bar Love-Tester, Inebriated Patron Okay To Drive

WISCONSIN DELLS, WI—J.J. Gardner, a regular customer at Nig's Tavern, was perfectly okay to drive early Tuesday morning after five hours of heavy drinking, according to the AK2000, the bar's coin-operated love-tester. "Hot To Trot," the love-tester said after Gardner gripped its handle for five seconds. Gardner later mumbled incoherent explanations to Wisconsin Dells police that he would never have attempted to drive if he had tested as Frigid, a Cold Fish, or an Old Maid.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close