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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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According To Bar Love-Tester, Inebriated Patron Okay To Drive

WISCONSIN DELLS, WI—J.J. Gardner, a regular customer at Nig's Tavern, was perfectly okay to drive early Tuesday morning after five hours of heavy drinking, according to the AK2000, the bar's coin-operated love-tester. "Hot To Trot," the love-tester said after Gardner gripped its handle for five seconds. Gardner later mumbled incoherent explanations to Wisconsin Dells police that he would never have attempted to drive if he had tested as Frigid, a Cold Fish, or an Old Maid.

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