The Onion – America's Finest News Source
WISCONSIN DELLS, WIJ.J. Gardner, a regular customer at Nig's Tavern, was perfectly okay to drive early Tuesday morning after five hours of heavy drinking, according to the AK2000, the bar's coin-operated love-tester. "Hot To Trot," the love-tester said after Gardner gripped its handle for five seconds. Gardner later mumbled incoherent explanations to Wisconsin Dells police that he would never have attempted to drive if he had tested as Frigid, a Cold Fish, or an Old Maid.