ACLU Defends Nazis' Right To Burn Down ACLU Headquarters

In This Section

Vol 32 Issue 11

Authority Figure Demands To Know Meaning Of This

NEW HAVEN, CT—Flustered by the incessant insubordination and rowdy antics of a group of students, stodgy authority figure and boarding-school headmaster James K. Worthington III demanded to know the meaning of this Monday. “What is the meaning of this?” the red-faced Worthington said upon discovering the stately oak desk in his office covered in toilet paper. “What have you insolent young hooligans done? I demand an explanation and an apology at once!” Following a contrived explanation by the students, Worthington winced skeptically and warned that future acts of mischief would be dealt with severely. Later in the day, Worthington was grievously embarrassed when white paint was splattered all over his dark suit.

CNN's Hollywood Minute Announces Special Two-Minute Season Premiere

ATLANTA—At a special news conference Monday, CNN programming executives announced that the network’s popular Hollywood Minute segment will make its season premiere Oct. 25 with a special two-minute episode. “We thought we’d open the new season with a bang, and what better way to do it than with a spectacular double-length show?” program producer Anthony Charles said. The episode will reportedly feature a sizzling revelation from actor John Larroquette about a past love, as well as a visit to the set of Paramount Pictures’ Workin’ Overtime, an action/comedy starring Cuba Gooding Jr. and Jennifer Tilly.

Algerian Dies Of Natural Causes

TABELBALA, ALGERIA—Beni Ain-Sefra, 71, became the first Algerian in nearly seven months to die of natural causes following a stroke Saturday, sending shockwaves through the North African nation. According to reports, Ain-Sefra was not shot, hanged, stabbed nor disemboweled by roving hordes of horse-mounted Islamic extremists. “I am stunned by this non-violent end to Beni’s life,” Ain-Sefra’s wife Sumora said. “I always imagined that when it was my husband’s turn to go to Heaven, he would be cut in half by militants and have his upper body fed to a pack of wild dogs and his legs dumped in a well. This natural, peaceful act of God will take time to sink in.”

My Failed Suicide Attempts

There is nothing I desire more than for dear, sweet Death to draw its soft shroud around me and usher me from this mortal coil. But after 132 years, my prayers have still not been answered, so every now and again I attempt to bring about my yearned-for demise myself.

My Flabby Tabbies Are So Spoiled!

Late Friday night, I woke up to the sound of a loud crash coming from the kitchen. I sat bolt-upright in bed, and, for a split-second, I thought it was burglars. But then I realized what it was, and I rushed into the kitchen. Sure enough, my porcelain Oriental vase had been knocked off the kitchen table and smashed into pieces on the floor! It didn't take long to follow the trail of flowers and water to find the culprit: my kitty Arthur, who was lapping up the water, as nonchalant as could be!
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Partying

Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

ACLU Defends Nazis' Right To Burn Down ACLU Headquarters

NEW YORK—At a press conference Monday, American Civil Liberties Union officials announced that the organization will go to court to defend a neo-Nazi group's right to burn down ACLU headquarters.

ACLU lawyers Nancy Edelman and Harvey Gross talk to reporters about their fight to allow Nazis to burn down ACLU headquarters on Nov. 25.

ACLU president Nadine Strossen told reporters that her organization intends to "vigorously and passionately defend" the Georgia chapter of the American Nazi Party's First Amendment right to freely express its hatred of the ACLU by setting its New York office ablaze on Nov. 25.

"I am reminded of the words of Voltaire: 'I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it,'" Strossen said. "While the ACLU vehemently disagrees with the idea of Nazis torching this building, the principle of freedom of expression must be supported in all cases. If we take away these Nazis' right to burn down our headquarters, we take away everyone's right to burn down our headquarters."

Buddy Carver, president of the Georgia chapter of the American Nazi Party, praised the ACLU for taking on his case. "I would like to thank Ms. Strossen and all the other nigger-loving bleeding-heart liberals at the 'ACL-Jew' for defending my constitutional right to express my loathing of them with hundred-foot-high flames," said Carver, sporting a tan uniform and swastika arm band. "We must finish the job Hitler was unable to."

ACLU associate director Mel Rosenblatt agreed. "The real danger here is not the American Nazi Party," he said. "The real danger here is what would happen to the rest of us if the Buddy Carvers of this world were not allowed to commit arson against nigger-loving, bleeding-heart-liberal Jew attorneys."

Making the case all the more controversial is the neo-Nazis' demand that the ACLU's entire 315-person staff be in the building at the time of the blaze. Strongly opposing the request are New York City police commissioner William Bratton, fire chief Ed Holm and mayor Rudolph Giuliani, who said that all 315 will die if trapped in the 47-story building during the blaze. ACLU attorneys responded that they will request a federal appeals hearing if the City of New York attempts to stop them and their fellow ACLU employees from perishing in the Nov. 25 blaze.

"Yes, my loving wife Linda and three wonderful children, Ben, Robby and Stephanie, will be devastated when I am killed next month," ACLU attorney Harvey Gross said. "But I recognize that, in a very real sense, it would be a victory for Mr. Carver and his fellow hatemongers if I did not burn to death, because their terrible message of bigotry and intolerance would be all the more effective if suppressed."

The Carver case is one of several controversial legal battles with which the ACLU has been involved this judicial year. In State of California v. Tubbs, the organization defended the right of a San Francisco art gallery to display a piece of performance art in which innocent passersby are shot to death by gunmen. In February, the ACLU went to U.S. Appeals Court to defend the Grand Wizard of the Coahoma County, Mississippi, chapter of the Ku Klux Klan's right to beat a black man to death and spray-paint 'White Pride' across his chest.

"We can have no arbitrary setting of limits when it comes to the Bill of Rights," Strossen said. "The Constitution does not say, 'You have the right to express these opinions, but not those opinions.' Nor does it say, 'You can express these opinions by word, but not by violence.' For a free society to work, hatred, in all its forms, must be encouraged."

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More