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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Acne Medication May Cause Dizziness, Nausea, Loss Of Hearing, Insomnia, Blood Clotting, Difficulty Breathing

RAMAPO, NJ–Dermalon, a new acne medication from Ramapo-based Franklin Laboratories, may cause a host of serious complications, a TV commercial for the product casually noted Monday. "Some Dermalon users may experience such side effects as dizziness, nausea, loss of hearing, insomnia, blood clotting, difficulty breathing, memory loss, bone rot, paranoid schizophrenia, and brain tumors," a friendly voice-over noted as a group of happy, clear-skinned teens frolicked on a beach. "Wake up to a clearer you with Dermalon." Franklin Laboratories is also the manufacturer of Follicin, a hair-restoration formula linked to explosive diarrhea and hyperobesity.

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