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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Acne Medication May Cause Dizziness, Nausea, Loss Of Hearing, Insomnia, Blood Clotting, Difficulty Breathing

RAMAPO, NJ–Dermalon, a new acne medication from Ramapo-based Franklin Laboratories, may cause a host of serious complications, a TV commercial for the product casually noted Monday. "Some Dermalon users may experience such side effects as dizziness, nausea, loss of hearing, insomnia, blood clotting, difficulty breathing, memory loss, bone rot, paranoid schizophrenia, and brain tumors," a friendly voice-over noted as a group of happy, clear-skinned teens frolicked on a beach. "Wake up to a clearer you with Dermalon." Franklin Laboratories is also the manufacturer of Follicin, a hair-restoration formula linked to explosive diarrhea and hyperobesity.

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