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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Acne Medication May Cause Dizziness, Nausea, Loss Of Hearing, Insomnia, Blood Clotting, Difficulty Breathing

RAMAPO, NJ–Dermalon, a new acne medication from Ramapo-based Franklin Laboratories, may cause a host of serious complications, a TV commercial for the product casually noted Monday. "Some Dermalon users may experience such side effects as dizziness, nausea, loss of hearing, insomnia, blood clotting, difficulty breathing, memory loss, bone rot, paranoid schizophrenia, and brain tumors," a friendly voice-over noted as a group of happy, clear-skinned teens frolicked on a beach. "Wake up to a clearer you with Dermalon." Franklin Laboratories is also the manufacturer of Follicin, a hair-restoration formula linked to explosive diarrhea and hyperobesity.

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