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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

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HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Action Figure Fights On Despite Loss Of Dragon Sword

SETH'S BEDROOM—With the dreaded skeleton people closing in on him and the carpet suddenly turning into red-hot lava before his very eyes, local action figure Huntarr the Warrior vowed to fight on Thursday despite the loss of his cherished dragon sword.

Huntarr has vowed not to rest until bedtime.

"I won't surrender!" shouted the 8-inch plastic toy, before bobbing across the bedroom floor, stopping to perform the splits for no discernable reason, and continuing on toward a nearby chair. "I'm Huntarr! You skeleton people will never make a slave out of me!"

"Swoosh-swoosh-swoosh," the action figure added while carrying out nearly 20 consecutive back flips.

Huntarr—known for his superhuman strength, his unrelenting courage in battle, and his ability to fly and then become invisible and then turn into like a ball so that nobody can see him—has faced similar challenges in the past.

Earlier this week, the action figure was confronted by an estimated 10 million sea serpents from outer space, while on Sunday, Huntarr was forced to square off against the evil mad scientist Dr. Robert Scientist. To date, the fearless warrior's greatest trial remains the time he was nearly sold at a local garage sale.

That is, until the loss of his dragon sword today.

"I don't have my sword, but I still have my karate," announced Huntarr, who hails from the deepest tracts of the Amazon jungle, yet is somehow versed in Eastern martial arts. "You can't stop me! I am more powerful than the most powerful man on earth, who is me."

The vanquished sword

"And Seth's dad," continued the action figure, referring to certified tax accountant Howard Silverman. "He's pretty strong, too."

According to sources, Huntarr battled the skeleton people for nearly 25 minutes, using a variety of kicks, violent head butts, punches that sounded very close in pitch to futuristic ray guns, a wooden spoon, and, during one covert operation fought at the kitchen table, the multiplication table for the number three.

The assault is reportedly Huntarr's most vicious since he attacked a Dream Van full of defenseless Barbie dolls, some of them nude at the time.

"Give up now, skeleton people, or I'll make you do your chores," the chiseled jungle warrior threatened while continuously leaping from one foot to the other to emphasize his point. "And you'll be mad because you're tired and you don't like cleaning up!"

Responding to the threat of having to make the bed, the leader of the skeleton people finally admitted defeat Thursday.

"Please stop—I think you broke my head," cried the skeleton leader, slowly raising both arms, the left arm with some difficulty, in a show of surrender. "Let's be friends! I want to be friends!"

After a few seconds of deliberation, Huntarr reportedly agreed to a pact with his longtime foe, though he stated that by becoming friends, the leader of the skeleton people had to pick him first at dodgeball from now on, and couldn't tease him anymore about the time he threw up during recess.

Also, Huntarr said, the leader of the skeleton people had to let the brazen warrior play with his toys when he brought them to school.

"I saved the earth!" cried the victorious action figure. "Let's eat cheese pizza now!"

As of press time, Huntarr had once again won out over the forces of evil, and after collecting a handsome reward of $5, rested facedown on the ground, where many speculate he will remain until early tomorrow morning.

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