adBlockCheck

Local

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
End Of Section
  • More News

Activist Wet-T-Shirt Judge Votes For Girlfriend

COLUMBIA, SC—Andrew Scully, 26, a bartender and wet-T-shirt-contest judge at local nightclub Deep Waters, has been accused of personal bias and "legislating from the barstool" after ruling in favor of his girlfriend, Heather Swain, in Friday's "Waters' Melons!!!" wet-T-shirt contest. "Inevitably, my own perceptions will guide my interpretation and application of event guidelines—if that weren't a part of our system, we could just replace the judges with a tape measure," said Scully, responding to bar patrons who said they believed that several contestants had breasts both larger and better-displayed than Swain's. "I like to think of a wet-T-shirt contestant not as a rigid set of body-type rules, but as a living, breathing object." Conservative leaders of the Federalist Wet-T-Shirt Contest Society are calling for Scully's resignation.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close