CATOOSA, OK—After months of watering, mulching, staking, fertilizing, pruning, and spraying each plant, local homeowner Margie Helmholtz confirmed Wednesday that an entire summer of tending her backyard garden had yielded one edible cherry tomato.
COLUMBIA, SCAndrew Scully, 26, a bartender and wet-T-shirt-contest judge at local nightclub Deep Waters, has been accused of personal bias and "legislating from the barstool" after ruling in favor of his girlfriend, Heather Swain, in Friday's "Waters' Melons!!!" wet-T-shirt contest. "Inevitably, my own perceptions will guide my interpretation and application of event guidelinesif that weren't a part of our system, we could just replace the judges with a tape measure," said Scully, responding to bar patrons who said they believed that several contestants had breasts both larger and better-displayed than Swain's. "I like to think of a wet-T-shirt contestant not as a rigid set of body-type rules, but as a living, breathing object." Conservative leaders of the Federalist Wet-T-Shirt Contest Society are calling for Scully's resignation.