How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
End Of Section
  • More News


Actress, Musician To Wed

HOLLYWOOD, CA—The actress from the big hit movie and the musician from the popular band who have been photographed many times together out on the town are getting married, entertainment industry sources reported Monday.

"I love him," the actress, who has been seen sporting a huge diamond engagement ring recently, told reporters while walking down the red carpet. "He's definitely the one."

The wedding, which will take place this summer, is expected to be attended by many equally famous celebrities, and will be photographed by many paparazzi, via helicopter if necessary. Insiders expect the guest list to be a veritable 'who's who' of the rich and famous, including the Hollywood director, the reclusive former star who rarely makes public appearances, and the very handsome actor who used to be on television but is now in movies.

According to sources, the wedding between the actress and the musician will be the most important social event of the season.

"It's going to take place on a tropical island owned by the couple's super-rich friend," said the blonde entertainment reporter. "And her dress will be created by the fashion designer who did all those Oscar gowns."

"Wow," she added.

This will be the second marriage for both celebrities. The musician, who used to be married to the dancer before divorcing amid scandal over an Internet sexual intercourse tape, has recently attended sex addiction rehab and is described as "ready to settle down" by his lawyer, the famous bald one with the wife half his age.

The actress, for her part, is doing her best to put her disastrous first marriage to the actor who does a lot of drugs all the time behind her.

"It's great to finally see her with a guy she deserves," said the actress's close friend and regular makeup artist. "Especially after all the stuff that happened with you-know-who."

The actress, who almost got the role in the vampire film, and the musician, who recently collaborated with that other musician on the hit song of the summer, met at a gala event for the charity with the colored ribbons. They were later spotted together on the set of her movie about the secret agent who turns out to be an alien, to which the musician contributed several songs for the soundtrack.

Described as "love at first sight" by sources, the pair's romance has nonetheless caused criticism from some entertainment industry media sources, who claim that the musician's bad-boy reputation could affect the actress's image, possibly jeopardizing her chance of being cast in the big sequel that's coming up.

Some even said the marriage will never last.

"If I was that famous divorce lawyer, I'd be rubbing my hands together right now," said that gay Internet columnist who always trashes famous couples on his blog.

Despite the naysayers, however, most are optimistic about the coupling.

"This is shaping up to be the wedding of the century," said the Hollywood gossip columnist in her regular Hollywood gossip column. "One thing is for certain: Their kids are going to be both good-looking and very talented like their parents."

As is to be expected, the couple themselves have nothing but positive things to say about their upcoming nuptials.

"I've never felt this way before," the musician said in a recent issue of a very popular magazine. "What can I say about a marriage like this? It is truly one of a kind."

Entertainment Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close