Actual Expert Too Boring For TV

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Vol 41 Issue 18

Rapidly Swelling Man May Contain Traces Of Peanuts

PENSACOLA, FL—Lance Kiser, the host at the Erewan Thai restaurant, informed fellow employees Monday that the bloated, choking man at table four may contain trace amounts of peanuts. "Warning: The dark-haired businessman who very suddenly began experiencing shortness of breath, confusion, and slurred speech may contain trace amounts of peanuts," Kiser said. "He definitely ate a plate of chicken curry prepared in the same facility as dishes containing peanuts and/or other nuts." The purple-faced, swelling man declined comment.

Drive-Time Commute Jam-Packed With Entertainment

CHANDLER, AZ—Phoenix-area resident Bruce Meske, 34, said he can't believe the amazing number of riveting, drive-time radio options available for his 40-minute commute home every night. "At no other time of the day is my life so jam-packed with incredible entertainment choices," Meske said Monday. "I could listen to the '60s at 6:00 or tune into the week's Top Five with Fathead on The Zone! Should I get the lead out with Beebo and Frank, stay informed with Ted and Heidi, or get riled by Mike Savage?! Sometimes I wish my commute took two hours!" Meske added that his wealth of options for the morning drive floor him as well.

Man With Dream To Open Liquor Store Achieves Dream

SOUTH BEND, IN—Dale Seebach, 32, who has dreamed of opening his own liquor store since childhood, saw his dream become a reality Monday. "I never thought I would own a liquor store," said Seebach to his two part-time employees at the grand opening of Dale's Spirits on Front Street. "It was a lot of hard work applying for the loan, getting a lease, and working out the distribution, but I did it!" If the store does well, Seebach may someday realize his other dream of enclosing his backyard deck for winter use.

Replacement Socialite Cunt Sought For Simple Life Cast

NEW YORK—Due to the falling out between Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton, producers of Fox's The Simple Life are continuing their search for the perfect spoiled, no-talent socialite cunt to step in for Richie. "It shouldn't be too hard to find another vapid, muddied cum-dumpster perpetually drunk on the jizz of trust-fund himbos," producer Jonathan Murray said. "Any million-dollar Bambi with a vast inheritance and no ambition will do, though gutter-sluts with coke-fueled pasts will be given special consideration." Murray added that "it doesn't matter if her pussy rattles when the wind blows—we can fix that in post."

Improving Amtrak

Following last week's announcement that an entire fleet of Acela trains will be taken out of service for repairs, Amtrak is looking for ways to reinvigorate the company. What are some of the measures it's taking?

Horoscope for the week of May 4, 2005

You’re a true role model for young people, the way you’ve achieved financial success and remained active in your community while masturbating pretty much constantly.

Women On The Front Line

Women are barred from U.S. military jobs that would place them on the front line, but some say all troops in Iraq are exposed to ground combat. What do you think?
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  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Actual Expert Too Boring For TV

SECAUCUS, NJ—Dr. Gary Canton, a professor of applied nuclear physics and energy-development technologies at MIT and a leading expert in American nuclear-power applications, was rejected by MSNBC producers for being "too boring for TV" Monday.

Canton at the MSNBC studio where he failed to make the cut.

"We could deal with Dr. Canton being so short," said Cal Salters, a segment producer at MSNBC. "And we could've made him up so he didn't look like he spends all day in front of a computer. We even considered cutting away to stock footage so our audience didn't have to look at him for too long. But when it turned out that listening to him is about as interesting as picking the lint off his lapels—well, there was nothing we could do about that."

Canton was brought in for a test interview based on a recent op-ed in the Boston Globe, in which he argued that increased reliance on nuclear power is "inevitable." When asked to address nuclear power's potentially disastrous consequences, however, Canton launched into a well-reasoned lecture that balanced modern energy demands against safety and environmental concerns.

"At MIT's Laboratory for Energy and the Environment, we see nuclear-power technology as the best option for the United States and the world to meet future energy needs without emitting carbon dioxide and other atmospheric pollutants," Canton said in the taped pre-interview, which has already been erased. "Other energy options include increased efficiency, renewables, and carbon sequestration. Actually, all of these options may be needed for a successful, non-stratified, growth-oriented national energy infrastructure."

Salters was not impressed.

"[Canton] went on like that for six... long... minutes," Salters said. "Fact after mind-numbing fact. Then he started spewing all these statistics about megawatts and the nation's current energy consumption and I don't know what, because my mind just shut off. I tried to lead him in the right direction. I told him to address the fears that the average citizen might have about nuclear power, but he still utterly failed to mention meltdowns, radiation, or mushroom clouds."

"I'm sure he knows what he's talking about," Salters added. "But we have a responsibility to educate and entertain our viewers. In the end, we had to go with someone else."

MSNBC chose Skip Hammond, former Arizona State football player, MBA holder, and author of Imprison The Sun: America's Coming Nuclear-Power Holocaust. Hammond is best known for his "atomic domino" theory of chained power-plant explosions and his signature lavender silk tie.

Self-proclaimed nuclear expert Skip Hammond.

"Absolute Armageddon," Hammond said when asked about the dangers increased reliance on nuclear power might pose. "Atoms are not only too tiny to be seen, they're too powerful to be predicted. Three Mile Island? Remember it? I do. Don't they?"

"Clouds of radiation, glowing rivers, a hole reaching to the earth's core—that's what we're facing, " Hammond continued. "Death of one in four Americans! Count off, everyone: one, two, three, you. Millions of people gone. And no one's even mentioned terrorism yet. You have to wonder why not."

According to Salters, Hammond was "perfect."

"The way Skip looked right into that camera and said 'annihilation' with perfect enunciation—I've been in the news business for 14 years, and I still got goose bumps," Salters said.

Reached at his office, Canton said he was unsure why he wasn't chosen for the program.

"I discussed the interrelated technical, economic, environmental, and political challenges associated with increased nuclear-power usage over the next half-century and their relevance to government, industry, and community leaders," Canton said. "You'd think it would be exactly what they wanted. It was exactly what they wanted, according to the producer who contacted me."

Hammond is scheduled to appear in all six parts of the upcoming Learning Channel series Frost Or Fire: America's Coming Energy Tribulations.

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