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Dilemma

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Area Man Only One With Problems

BOSTON—Expressing the sadness they feel for the beleaguered man and his incomprehensible plight, friends, family, and acquaintances of area man Doug Belson confirmed Wednesday that he is the only person in the world who has problems. Reports indicat...

Uneasy Détente Forms Between Man Sitting On Patio, Bee

GREENWOOD, IN—With relations in the patio area approaching crisis levels for much of the past 15 minutes, sources within Cityside Grill’s outdoor dining space confirmed Thursday that an uneasy détente had finally developed between area ...

Nation’s Sisters Issue Annual Report On Dealing With Dad

WASHINGTON—Citing an extensive body of research conducted over recent holiday get-togethers and weekly phone conversations, the nation’s sisters on Wednesday issued their yearly report outlining the various strategies for best dealing with Dad...

Important Decision Sent Up To Company's Highest Idiot

NEW YORK—Saying that such a vital judgment call required the expertise of a truly moronic decision maker, employees at Cartwright Partners passed an important issue up the corporate ladder to the company’s highest-ranking idiot Tuesday, source...
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Dilemma

Actual Problem A Nice Change Of Pace For Anxious Man

NEW YORK—After his laptop suddenly stopped working earlier this week, chronically anxious man Henry Geller, 36, confirmed to reporters how nice it was to have an actual problem to worry about for a change. “I’ve got to say, it’s pretty refreshing to obsessively agonize over a real, concrete issue instead of some artificial mental construction,” said Geller, pointing out how much of a pleasure it has been to explain his problem to other people and, in response, hear them agree that he’s facing a difficult predicament rather than offering repeated assurances that the concern is solely in his head. “This is actually kind of nice; it’s not some insignificant nonissue that I’ve blown way out of proportion or a vague, unspecific sense of dread that’s causing me to torment myself all day long, but an objective event that legitimately happened in the world. It’s a great change of pace.” Geller added that he plans to enjoy the feeling for a few more hours until he wakes up in the middle of the night terrified that he is inadequate in every aspect of his life and that everyone he encounters can sense it.


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