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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Actual Proctor Met At Party

ROCKFORD, IL—Guests at a cocktail party on Dunstan Avenue were reportedly surprised to meet Conrad Davies, an actual, honest-to-goodness, working proctor. "I'd read the word 'proctor' and heard it on ads, but I'd never actually met one," partygoer Mindy Lindbloom told reporters Monday. "Turns out, he was just a normal guy. He was standing around eating celery sticks and drinking beer, just like everyone else." Lindbloom added that Davies was "just as nice as could be."

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