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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Actual Proctor Met At Party

ROCKFORD, IL—Guests at a cocktail party on Dunstan Avenue were reportedly surprised to meet Conrad Davies, an actual, honest-to-goodness, working proctor. "I'd read the word 'proctor' and heard it on ads, but I'd never actually met one," partygoer Mindy Lindbloom told reporters Monday. "Turns out, he was just a normal guy. He was standing around eating celery sticks and drinking beer, just like everyone else." Lindbloom added that Davies was "just as nice as could be."

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