adBlockCheck

Actual Urgent Message From Robert Redford Goes Unheeded

Top Headlines

Recent News

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Actual Urgent Message From Robert Redford Goes Unheeded

MARSING, ID—An actual urgent message from actor Robert Redford, whose mass-mailed call to action on behalf of the Natural Resources Defense Council reached millions of Americans last year, went unheeded last week by its lone recipient, Michael Sanborne of Marsing, ID.

A stack of Sanborne's unopened mail.

"MICHAEL, I'm asking for your help to stop the robbery and possible destruction of one of America's most treasured human resources—actor Robert Redford," read the message typed on NRDC letterhead. "At this very moment, two or more men are holding me captive within my office in order to further their profit-motivated agenda to strip my home of its valuable assets and leave me with nothing—perhaps not even my life."

"At this desperate hour, my hands are tied," the letter continued. "My office phone lines have been cut. By gnawing through my gag and inching my chair along the floor, I have been able to reach my computer, turn it on using my nose, and activate my ViaVoice speech-recognition typing software. However, my time is limited, and I have managed to successfully stick only one adhesive-backed, mass-mailing address label to an envelope. MICHAEL, it is not yet too late to prevent the extinction of noble, majestic Robert Redford, if only you act now!"

The letter Redford (below) sent to Sanborne.

Sanborne received the legal-sized envelope, marked as "An Urgent Message From Robert Redford," on March 22, but put it aside to be opened along with his bills. The Marsing resident justified his delay, explaining that he did not initially notice that the envelope was rumpled as if by careless handling, and was scrawled over with the words "HELP ME," "DANGER," and "PLS CALL PLICE [sic]."

Sanborne, who speculated that Redford had penned the envelope's capital-letter pleas with a red magic marker held between his teeth, finally read the time-sensitive letter Monday.

Redford is the author of millions of urgent letters seeking support for the halt of oil drilling in the Alaskan Arctic National Wildlife Reserve. In his letter to Sanborne, however, his message of environmental preservation was replaced by one of Redfordian preservation.

"Fellow Lover of Robert Redford: No one voted on Election Day to destroy the body, mind, and life of Robert Redford," the fourth page of the letter read. "But now, armed assailants are claiming a mandate to do exactly that! MICHAEL, please understand that without the natural resources Robert Redford requires to sustain himself, this noble creature will soon perish."

Sanborne, a 42-year-old contractor, said he is unsure why Redford chose to contact him in particular.

"I made a $40 donation to the Sierra Club in 1998," Sanborne said. "I must've wound up on some mailing list, because now I get a lot of letters with photos of polar bears and wolves on them," Sanborne said. "They all say 'urgent,' but I guess this one actually was."

"Too bad I'm probably too late to do anything," Sanborne added. "Otherwise, I might have gotten out my checkbook and sent him a few bucks."

Redford's urgent, unheeded letter ended: "If we let them plunder Robert Redford's home for the sake of profits, then no piece of our natural heritage is safe from destruction. Please—it will take you only a minute—go to 12 Ocean View Drive in Malibu and untie Robert Redford from his bonds, MICHAEL. Only through your efforts can we keep Robert Redford wild and free."

Redford, whom California authorities say has not been seen in public for the last three weeks, is presumed dead.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close