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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

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Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

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MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Ad-Agency Print Buyer Can't Believe They Want To Add A Perf This Late In The Game

LINCOLN, NE–Milt Olberding, a print buyer with L&G Advertising, expressed disbelief Tuesday that Capital City Chrysler owner William "Biff" Brignola wants to add a perforated insert to his ad this late in the game.

L&G Advertising print buyer Milt Olberding.

"A perf? At this point?" said Olberding, 33, upon learning of the change from L&G Advertising account manager Phil Essene. "We were about to put this whole thing to bed. Why didn't Brignola mention this last week when I was giving him quotes for coated?"

Essene, who helped design the full-page Capital City ad slated to run in a 32-page "Great Savings" sales flyer that will be mailed to all Lincoln-area households Monday, said he was "just as blown away" as Olberding.

"I was all set to seal up the Cap City ad and send out a proof, when I get this fax from Brignola asking about a BRM," Essene said. "Talk about a complete 180. I was, like, 'What? Now you want a 4 1/4 corner perf? Do you have any idea what that entails? Hello!'"

According to Olberding, the insertion of the business-reply-mail postcard will not only necessitate the perforation changes, but a switch to heavier paper, as well.

"I was going to go with Blue Lake, but I don't even think they do perfs on card stock," Olberding said. "Brignola had better be prepared to pay for 110-pound weight, because I'm not pulling the Great Savings proofs again. No fucking way. Not at this late juncture."

"I guess if he absolutely insists, it's doable," Olberding continued. "As long as this clown doesn't want to make changes to his ad in Sunday's FSI. He tries to pull that, I swear, I'll laugh right in his face."

According to Olberding, there isn't a major newspaper in the state that would include a 110 in a free-standing insert.

"The problem with guys like Brignola is that they have no concept of the varied distro channels in a market like Lincoln," Olberding said. "Even worse, they're cheap as hell. Brignola's the kind of guy who'd go with a lighted all-weather instead of a door-to-door if it meant shaving a few bucks off his bottom line. No vision whatsoever."

Refusing to accept any changes to the FSI, Olberding is proceeding with the requested modifications to the Great Savings spread only.

"Maybe we can stick with the old Cap City layout, watermark the clip art, and throw the BRM in the corner opposite the bleed, but I doubt [Brignola]'s going to go for that," Olberding said. "If he wants it reworked, we'll have to send it back down to design, but I can tell you right now that [art director] Danielle [Gura] will not be a happy camper. I told her just this morning that the one-page was ready to fly."

Informed of the changes to the Capital City ad, Gura rolled her eyes and placed her hands on her hips.

"Come on!" Gura said. "What is up with this guy? Does he want an 8 1/2 x 11, or does he want a whole friggin' end-aisle display? Maybe he should make up his mind now, before I rework the Quark doc."

Though willing to make the changes, Gura said that if Brignola decides to switch from 4C to B&W when he gets a price quote on the paper upgrade, she will be "royally pissed." Such a change would force her to reshuffle the pagination of the entire flyer to bury the ad in the no-color spread.

"This Brignola reminds me of that guy from Footsavers," Gura added. "He just had to add a samp of the new line extension just when we had his broadside ready to go. Then, on top of that, he had the audacity to ask if he could get a blister pack instead of a gummed attachment. Talk about canceling the wedding when the bride's at the altar. Christ."

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