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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Ad-Agency Print Buyer Can't Believe They Want To Add A Perf This Late In The Game

LINCOLN, NE–Milt Olberding, a print buyer with L&G Advertising, expressed disbelief Tuesday that Capital City Chrysler owner William "Biff" Brignola wants to add a perforated insert to his ad this late in the game.

L&G Advertising print buyer Milt Olberding.

"A perf? At this point?" said Olberding, 33, upon learning of the change from L&G Advertising account manager Phil Essene. "We were about to put this whole thing to bed. Why didn't Brignola mention this last week when I was giving him quotes for coated?"

Essene, who helped design the full-page Capital City ad slated to run in a 32-page "Great Savings" sales flyer that will be mailed to all Lincoln-area households Monday, said he was "just as blown away" as Olberding.

"I was all set to seal up the Cap City ad and send out a proof, when I get this fax from Brignola asking about a BRM," Essene said. "Talk about a complete 180. I was, like, 'What? Now you want a 4 1/4 corner perf? Do you have any idea what that entails? Hello!'"

According to Olberding, the insertion of the business-reply-mail postcard will not only necessitate the perforation changes, but a switch to heavier paper, as well.

"I was going to go with Blue Lake, but I don't even think they do perfs on card stock," Olberding said. "Brignola had better be prepared to pay for 110-pound weight, because I'm not pulling the Great Savings proofs again. No fucking way. Not at this late juncture."

"I guess if he absolutely insists, it's doable," Olberding continued. "As long as this clown doesn't want to make changes to his ad in Sunday's FSI. He tries to pull that, I swear, I'll laugh right in his face."

According to Olberding, there isn't a major newspaper in the state that would include a 110 in a free-standing insert.

"The problem with guys like Brignola is that they have no concept of the varied distro channels in a market like Lincoln," Olberding said. "Even worse, they're cheap as hell. Brignola's the kind of guy who'd go with a lighted all-weather instead of a door-to-door if it meant shaving a few bucks off his bottom line. No vision whatsoever."

Refusing to accept any changes to the FSI, Olberding is proceeding with the requested modifications to the Great Savings spread only.

"Maybe we can stick with the old Cap City layout, watermark the clip art, and throw the BRM in the corner opposite the bleed, but I doubt [Brignola]'s going to go for that," Olberding said. "If he wants it reworked, we'll have to send it back down to design, but I can tell you right now that [art director] Danielle [Gura] will not be a happy camper. I told her just this morning that the one-page was ready to fly."

Informed of the changes to the Capital City ad, Gura rolled her eyes and placed her hands on her hips.

"Come on!" Gura said. "What is up with this guy? Does he want an 8 1/2 x 11, or does he want a whole friggin' end-aisle display? Maybe he should make up his mind now, before I rework the Quark doc."

Though willing to make the changes, Gura said that if Brignola decides to switch from 4C to B&W when he gets a price quote on the paper upgrade, she will be "royally pissed." Such a change would force her to reshuffle the pagination of the entire flyer to bury the ad in the no-color spread.

"This Brignola reminds me of that guy from Footsavers," Gura added. "He just had to add a samp of the new line extension just when we had his broadside ready to go. Then, on top of that, he had the audacity to ask if he could get a blister pack instead of a gummed attachment. Talk about canceling the wedding when the bride's at the altar. Christ."

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