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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Ad For Drummer Personally Attacks Old Drummer

WENATCHEE, WA—While announcing the group’s search for a new drummer, an ad posted in a music shop Wednesday by local post-hardcore band Machu Picchu appeared to attack both the character and abilities of its last drummer. “Band seeks drummer who can actually keep the beat and show up to practice without fucking complaining about it all the time,” read the flyer, which also stated that candidates should own their own drum kit, not be in any other bands, and not be “the kind of jerk who never helps us move the amps when the show’s over but still has the nerve to ask for a ride home.” “We need someone who won’t sit there playing a bunch of loud fills while we’re trying to tune up and then fail to find the fucking two and four when it’s time to start the song. And seriously, don’t storm off in anger just because Joel says you came in too early.” The ad went on to specify that if a potential drummer has a girlfriend, that’s fine, but if “you start missing shows because her parents are visiting and she wants you to go out to dinner with them, then it’s time to man up and just tell Cindy to fuck off.”

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