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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Ad For Drummer Personally Attacks Old Drummer

WENATCHEE, WA—While announcing the group’s search for a new drummer, an ad posted in a music shop Wednesday by local post-hardcore band Machu Picchu appeared to attack both the character and abilities of its last drummer. “Band seeks drummer who can actually keep the beat and show up to practice without fucking complaining about it all the time,” read the flyer, which also stated that candidates should own their own drum kit, not be in any other bands, and not be “the kind of jerk who never helps us move the amps when the show’s over but still has the nerve to ask for a ride home.” “We need someone who won’t sit there playing a bunch of loud fills while we’re trying to tune up and then fail to find the fucking two and four when it’s time to start the song. And seriously, don’t storm off in anger just because Joel says you came in too early.” The ad went on to specify that if a potential drummer has a girlfriend, that’s fine, but if “you start missing shows because her parents are visiting and she wants you to go out to dinner with them, then it’s time to man up and just tell Cindy to fuck off.”

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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