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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.
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Adam Levine Receives Promotion To Senior Lead Singer Of Maroon 5

LOS ANGELES—Before moving on to the normal business of Maroon 5’s Wednesday morning all-staff meeting, manager Jordan Feldstein reportedly took a moment to announce that lead singer Adam Levine had been promoted to senior lead singer of the Grammy-winning pop-rock band. “In recognition of Adam’s 12 years of dedicated lead singing, we’ve made the decision to bump him up to the senior level, which comes with a few added responsibilities and a well-deserved pay raise,” Feldstein said to a round of light applause from the other five musicians in attendance. “I’m also happy to announce that longtime staff keyboardist P.J. Morton will be making the move to associate keyboardist, having come quite a long way since he first joined us as a keyboarding intern right out of college. Congrats, Adam and P.J.! You guys certainly earned it.” Levine later told reporters he felt a creeping sense of guilt for having recently submitted his résumé to Death Cab for Cutie.

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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

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