Adam Levine Receives Promotion To Senior Lead Singer Of Maroon 5

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Vol 48 Issue 36

Area Woman Dumped On 15-Week Anniversary

TACOMA, WA—Insult compounded romantic injury Saturday when local boyfriend Charles Pond not only broke up with Karen Brunhoff, the woman he has dated since last spring, but reportedly “had the nerve” to dump her on the couple’s 15-...

New Zipcarp Service Offers Short-Term Carp Rentals

BOSTON—Announcing its plan to offer short-term, affordable carp rentals for urbanites and college students who don’t own a carp of their own, Zipcarp Inc. launched a brand-new fish-sharing service earlier this month.

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Fox 12:00 p.m. EDT/11:00 a.m. CDT In the empty, darkened studio, Terry Bradshaw waits quietly for someone to josh with.
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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Adam Levine Receives Promotion To Senior Lead Singer Of Maroon 5

LOS ANGELES—Before moving on to the normal business of Maroon 5’s Wednesday morning all-staff meeting, manager Jordan Feldstein reportedly took a moment to announce that lead singer Adam Levine had been promoted to senior lead singer of the Grammy-winning pop-rock band. “In recognition of Adam’s 12 years of dedicated lead singing, we’ve made the decision to bump him up to the senior level, which comes with a few added responsibilities and a well-deserved pay raise,” Feldstein said to a round of light applause from the other five musicians in attendance. “I’m also happy to announce that longtime staff keyboardist P.J. Morton will be making the move to associate keyboardist, having come quite a long way since he first joined us as a keyboarding intern right out of college. Congrats, Adam and P.J.! You guys certainly earned it.” Levine later told reporters he felt a creeping sense of guilt for having recently submitted his résumé to Death Cab for Cutie.

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