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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Adam Schefter Gives Sweets To Street Urchins Returning From NFL Front Offices With Whispers Of Free Agency Rumors

BRISTOL, CT—Meeting with his network of spies in a darkened, remote hallway at ESPN headquarters, NFL analyst Adam Schefter reportedly distributed sweet treats Friday to the street urchins returning from the league’s various front offices with whispers of the latest free agency rumors. “Gather round, my little scouts, for those with tidings of Adrian Peterson’s likely landing spot shall find themselves the owner of two peppermint drops and a sugarplum,” said Schefter to the barefoot, soot-covered band of crafty young beggars, shoe-shines, and pickpockets he has relied on for years to be his eyes and ears around the NFL. “There’s also a nice tin of bonbons for whoever can tell me the terms of Matt Cassel’s new contract with the Titans. Now, my dearest Timothy, what have you heard of the Browns’ plans to address their quarterback situation?” According to sources, Schefter was unable to confirm whether Roger Goodell would alter celebration penalties after learning the orphan dispatched to find out had been captured and locked in the commissioner’s office cupboard.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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