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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Adam Schefter Gives Sweets To Street Urchins Returning From NFL Front Offices With Whispers Of Free Agency Rumors

BRISTOL, CT—Meeting with his network of spies in a darkened, remote hallway at ESPN headquarters, NFL analyst Adam Schefter reportedly distributed sweet treats Friday to the street urchins returning from the league’s various front offices with whispers of the latest free agency rumors. “Gather round, my little scouts, for those with tidings of Adrian Peterson’s likely landing spot shall find themselves the owner of two peppermint drops and a sugarplum,” said Schefter to the barefoot, soot-covered band of crafty young beggars, shoe-shines, and pickpockets he has relied on for years to be his eyes and ears around the NFL. “There’s also a nice tin of bonbons for whoever can tell me the terms of Matt Cassel’s new contract with the Titans. Now, my dearest Timothy, what have you heard of the Browns’ plans to address their quarterback situation?” According to sources, Schefter was unable to confirm whether Roger Goodell would alter celebration penalties after learning the orphan dispatched to find out had been captured and locked in the commissioner’s office cupboard.

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