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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Adam Schefter Gives Sweets To Street Urchins Returning From NFL Front Offices With Whispers Of Free Agency Rumors

BRISTOL, CT—Meeting with his network of spies in a darkened, remote hallway at ESPN headquarters, NFL analyst Adam Schefter reportedly distributed sweet treats Friday to the street urchins returning from the league’s various front offices with whispers of the latest free agency rumors. “Gather round, my little scouts, for those with tidings of Adrian Peterson’s likely landing spot shall find themselves the owner of two peppermint drops and a sugarplum,” said Schefter to the barefoot, soot-covered band of crafty young beggars, shoe-shines, and pickpockets he has relied on for years to be his eyes and ears around the NFL. “There’s also a nice tin of bonbons for whoever can tell me the terms of Matt Cassel’s new contract with the Titans. Now, my dearest Timothy, what have you heard of the Browns’ plans to address their quarterback situation?” According to sources, Schefter was unable to confirm whether Roger Goodell would alter celebration penalties after learning the orphan dispatched to find out had been captured and locked in the commissioner’s office cupboard.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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