Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Addition Of Ketchup Factored Into Calculation Of French Fry’s Final Temperature

GOODING, ID—In an effort to more accurately assess how hot the food item would be once he began eating it, local man Barney Randolph on Friday reportedly factored the addition of ketchup into his calculation of a french fry’s final temperature. According to sources, Randolph first roughly approximated the heat level of the fry based on how it felt between his two fingers and then adjusted for the small amount of ketchup he pre-applied during his first drizzle over the entire basket. He then accounted for the fact that the far section of the fry was resting deep in the bottom of the pile and would be hotter than the remainder while also taking into consideration the ketchup’s origin from a room-temperature glass bottle and not a squeeze bottle from the refrigerator. After estimating the cooling effect that would result from blowing on it for a few seconds, sources said that Randolph bit down on the fry, only to realize he had badly miscalculated and would have no choice but to allow additional cooling time inside his mouth.

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