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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Addition Of Ketchup Factored Into Calculation Of French Fry’s Final Temperature

GOODING, ID—In an effort to more accurately assess how hot the food item would be once he began eating it, local man Barney Randolph on Friday reportedly factored the addition of ketchup into his calculation of a french fry’s final temperature. According to sources, Randolph first roughly approximated the heat level of the fry based on how it felt between his two fingers and then adjusted for the small amount of ketchup he pre-applied during his first drizzle over the entire basket. He then accounted for the fact that the far section of the fry was resting deep in the bottom of the pile and would be hotter than the remainder while also taking into consideration the ketchup’s origin from a room-temperature glass bottle and not a squeeze bottle from the refrigerator. After estimating the cooling effect that would result from blowing on it for a few seconds, sources said that Randolph bit down on the fry, only to realize he had badly miscalculated and would have no choice but to allow additional cooling time inside his mouth.

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