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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Addition Of Ketchup Factored Into Calculation Of French Fry’s Final Temperature

GOODING, ID—In an effort to more accurately assess how hot the food item would be once he began eating it, local man Barney Randolph on Friday reportedly factored the addition of ketchup into his calculation of a french fry’s final temperature. According to sources, Randolph first roughly approximated the heat level of the fry based on how it felt between his two fingers and then adjusted for the small amount of ketchup he pre-applied during his first drizzle over the entire basket. He then accounted for the fact that the far section of the fry was resting deep in the bottom of the pile and would be hotter than the remainder while also taking into consideration the ketchup’s origin from a room-temperature glass bottle and not a squeeze bottle from the refrigerator. After estimating the cooling effect that would result from blowing on it for a few seconds, sources said that Randolph bit down on the fry, only to realize he had badly miscalculated and would have no choice but to allow additional cooling time inside his mouth.

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