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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Adjunct Professor Hoping Some Student Leaves Behind Warm Pair Of Gloves Today

CHICAGO—After remarking upon the frigid temperatures and blustery conditions during his walk into work this morning, Michael Halloran, an adjunct professor of communications and media studies, expressed hope Wednesday that one of his students would leave behind a pair of warm gloves. “It’d be great if someone accidentally dropped a couple of nice, thick gloves on their way out of the classroom or just forgot about them on the corner of their desk,” the 41-year-old Ph.D. said after hurrying across a chilly campus to teach his third course of the day, noting that last month someone left behind an umbrella that “really helped [him] out.” “Wool would be great, or Gore-Tex maybe, though really I’d be happy with anything. I’m not picky. A mismatched pair would be fine, too. I’d even take one glove if that’s all there was. Maybe I could use the hand with the glove to carry my bag and keep the bare hand in my pocket.” At press time, sources reported that the adjunct professor had hit the jackpot when he came across a scarf under a chair.


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