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Best of December 2015

Koch Brothers Get Each Other Same Election For Christmas

WICHITA, KS—Chuckling and shaking their heads as they described their annual family gift exchange to reporters, Koch Industries executives Charles and David Koch confirmed Wednesday they had unwittingly gotten each other the same election for Christmas this year.

Grandma In Nursing Home Starts Adorable Little Sexual Relationship

PHOENIX—Saying it was nice to know their grandmother had found a companion to spend time with, the family of Desert Spring Assisted Living Home resident Barbara McGann reported Wednesday that the 78-year-old had begun an adorable little sexual relationship with another of the facility’s residents.

Authorities Say Country Still An Active Shooter Situation

Citizens Advised To Remain Alert, Stay Indoors

WASHINGTON—Cautioning citizens to be on high alert and remain indoors until the area was determined to be safe, authorities confirmed Thursday that the United States is still an active shooter situation.

EPA Urges Nation To Develop New Air Source

WASHINGTON—Citing the hazardous levels of carbon dioxide and other pollutants accumulating in the atmosphere, officials from the Environmental Protection Agency urged the nation this week to develop a new air source.
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Adjunct Professor Hoping Some Student Leaves Behind Warm Pair Of Gloves Today

CHICAGO—After remarking upon the frigid temperatures and blustery conditions during his walk into work this morning, Michael Halloran, an adjunct professor of communications and media studies, expressed hope Wednesday that one of his students would leave behind a pair of warm gloves. “It’d be great if someone accidentally dropped a couple of nice, thick gloves on their way out of the classroom or just forgot about them on the corner of their desk,” the 41-year-old Ph.D. said after hurrying across a chilly campus to teach his third course of the day, noting that last month someone left behind an umbrella that “really helped [him] out.” “Wool would be great, or Gore-Tex maybe, though really I’d be happy with anything. I’m not picky. A mismatched pair would be fine, too. I’d even take one glove if that’s all there was. Maybe I could use the hand with the glove to carry my bag and keep the bare hand in my pocket.” At press time, sources reported that the adjunct professor had hit the jackpot when he came across a scarf under a chair.


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