Adorable Democratic Candidate Actually Believes He Has A Chance

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Vol 39 Issue 29

NPR Listener Acquires Kick-Ass Tote Bag

VENICE BEACH, CA—An avid National Public Radio listener, 48-year-old bicycle repair-shop technician Steve "Hozzie" Hasaji pledged $30 to 89.9 KCRW and "scored a kick-ass tote bag," Hasaji reported Tuesday. "Check this out," he said, showing coworkers a navy denim bag emblazoned with the KCRW logo. "If I knew listening to Morning Edition every day before breakfast was gonna get me this cool bag, shit, I woulda sent them money a long time ago." Hasaji added that Renee Montagne's insightful interview with author Diana Abu-Jaber was "totally off the hook."

That Knife Guy From High School Arrested In Knife-Related Incident

RILEY, OR—Thirty-year-old Daryl Wohlert, that guy who always had all the knives in high school, was arrested Monday for allegedly threatening a local storekeeper with a switchblade, Riley police reported. "Daryl always used to have a knife on him, and a couple lying on the top shelf of his locker, too," said Riley Police Department desk clerk Jeremy Dunbar, who graduated with Wohlert from Riley High School in 1991. "He used to flip that thing around and roll it around in his hands until [shop teacher] Mr. Adams told him to put it away. Even after he put it back in the sheath, he'd still hold it out to threaten us with the case." Wohlert's alleged victim, 58-year-old Clarence Sewell, declined comment.

Man Thinks Receptionist Is Hitting On Him

MEMPHIS, TN—Based on approximately two minutes of conversation and a series of polite smiles, chiropractic patient Jordan Walters earnestly believes that receptionist Mandy Pruitt is hitting on him, waiting-room sources reported early this afternoon. "Did you see how she offered to get me coffee?" an excited Walters said after Pruitt left to fetch him coffee. "I think she was just looking for an 'in' with me, if you follow me. One where she got to show me her legs." Earlier that day, Walters also caught the eye of an Applebee's waitress, a Goodyear service-center employee, and two different bank tellers.

Playground Treated To Hot Pug-On-Pug Action

PROVIDENCE, RI—Children playing on the swingsets at Waldo Street Tot Lot were treated to a raw, uncensored display of hot pug-on-pug action, sources reported Tuesday. "First the one doggy got behind the other doggy," said Andy Haupert, 6. "Then the first doggy tried to get on top of the other doggy while the other doggy tried to run away. It was really funny." The canine copulation has been the most talked-about animal-related playground incident since June, when a pigeon crapped all the way down the slide.

Congress Establishes Bill Suggestion Hotline

WASHINGTON, DC—House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-IL) announced Tuesday that a new hotline will allow average Americans the chance to suggest new bills to the 108th Congress. "Do you have a great idea for an amendment, a revolutionary new tax bill, or just a few riders, but don't know how to turn it into law?" said Hastert at a press conference on the Capitol steps. "Call us at 1-900-NEW-BILL. We can help. Operators in the House and Senate are standing by." Hastert added that calls are just $3.99 a minute up to the first 10 minutes.

Uday And Qusay On Display

Last week, the U.S. military defended its decision to place the bodies of Saddam Hussein's sons on display. What do you think?

You Shall Make An Excellent Queen

Grand Vizier Adrakus! Prepare a full report on the attempted siege of my palace! Spare no detail, and have the Royal Theater Guild prepare a full operatic dramatization for next month's Tyranny Day festivities!
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Adorable Democratic Candidate Actually Believes He Has A Chance

WASHINGTON, DC—Democratic candidate John Kerry seems to truly believe he has a chance at winning the presidency in 2004, the adorable Massachusetts senator revealed Monday.

Kerry, looking very nice all dressed up.

"The current administration's reckless approach to tax cuts is a huge fiscal gamble," said the plucky politician. "It benefits the wealthy, hurts the poor, and will never succeed in restoring broad-based economic growth and financial discipline."

"We must act now, before our nation plunges deeper into debt," added Kerry, sounding as cute as ever. "When George Bush took office, there was a projected budget surplus of $5.6 trillion from 2002 to 2011. Now, economists project hundreds of billions of dollars in deficits for the same time period."

The precocious Kerry is one of nine candidates in the race for the Democratic presidential nomination.

"That is so great," said a beaming Dan Rather following a report on CBS Evening News. "Kerry says he will beat not only all the White House hopefuls in the primary, but also President Bush in the election. Keep it up, champ!"

In spite of Bush's campaign war chest of more than $40 million, Kerry maintains a positive outlook.

"Our country cannot afford to stand behind a president who cuts taxes in the face of huge military spending," Kerry said on NBC's Meet The Press Sunday. "We must choose a leader who is not afraid to make economic decisions that make us stronger in the future, not just the ones he thinks will keep him in office."

"Yes, sir, 'Mr. President,'" bemused interviewer Tim Russert said. "Whatever you say."

Kerry has campaigned tirelessly since announcing earlier this year that he wanted to run for president.

"I believe it's time to turn this country around," Kerry said at a campaign stop in Davenport, IA. "On virtually every issue, the president has moved America in the wrong direction: the budget busted, the economy down, the stock market down, unemployment up, the uninsured up, and an America increasingly isolated in the world."

House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-TX) congratulates Kerry for making a "super-duper point" about Iraq.

"He looks so handsome," 68-year-old onlooker Iris Weum said. "It's so nice that he's trying to be president."

Kerry, looking very presidential in his nice new suit and clean white shirt, also criticized Bush's strategy for the war in Iraq.

"The truth is, the Bush Administration went to war without a plan to win the peace in Iraq," Kerry said. "Our troops should not be sent into battle like campaign props. We must demand more of our commander-in-chief."

Though the road to the presidency is a long one, experts report Kerry is "doing a great job."

"Kerry's presidential campaign had nearly $11 million in the bank at the end of June, which tops the field of Democratic hopefuls in terms of cash," said Candice Lowman, a political analyst with the conservative think tank American Enterprise Institute. "So, that's something. Heh heh. What a sweetie."

Lowman added: "Well, you know, though, as the White House scrambles to answer questions about disputed intelligence on Iraq's nuclear-weapons programs, at least one of those Democratic candidates might have a shot. Stranger things have happened. Aw, who am I kidding?"

While Kerry seeks to discredit Bush, he must also differentiate himself from the eight other campaigning Democrats. His main competition within the party comes from U.S. Sen. Joe Lieberman (D-CT), U.S. Rep. Richard Gephardt (D-MO), and Vermont Gov. Howard Dean, all of whom think they are going to win the election in 2004.

"Go get 'em, tigers," said Toby Nichols, a top advisor to Bush's campaign in 2000. "Go be president, guys."

Kerry shows no signs of slowing his cute campaign efforts.

"It is long overdue that America stops being the only industrialized nation on this planet that doesn't have health care available for all of its citizens," Kerry said in a conference call with reporters. "I'm running for president to make health care for all Americans a right and not a privilege, to bring costs under control, and to cover the uninsured."

"Awwww," said Adrian Tung, reporter for The Baltimore Sun. "That Kerry."

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