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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Adorable Puppy Nets Owner Handjob

AUSTIN, TX—Area puppy Patches netted owner James Kearney a handjob yesterday, using his undeniable puppy adorability to attract an attractive human female on behalf of his owner. According to reports, during a routine afternoon walk, Patches, a three-month-old yellow lab, stopped and playfully lapped the heels of area resident Rachel West, 20, who within minutes converted her strong feelings of affection toward Patches into sexual attraction for his owner. Kearney strongly denied allegations that he intentionally used the dog to win sexual favors.

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