Adorable Rockies Attempting To Win World Series

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Vol 45 Issue 41

Community Gives Up Following Tragedy

FORT SCOTT, KS—"Honestly, I don't see the people of Fort Scott looking to one another for solace during this trying time, or really looking to one another for anything ever again," said mayor Thomas Dietrich.

Parents Against Swine Flu Vaccine

An Associated Press poll shows that 38 percent of all parents do not want their children vaccinated against the H1N1 virus, or swine flu. What do...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Adorable Rockies Attempting To Win World Series

PHILADELPHIA—In an absolutely precious little press conference before the start of the NLDS Wednesday, the upstart Colorado Rockies confirmed that they would be making the most adorable effort to win the World Series this year. "They looked so handsome up there in their clean, pressed uniforms that I could have just died," said ESPN baseball analyst Peter Gammons, adding that he wanted to walk right up to Rockies shortstop Troy Tulowitzki and pinch his iddy-biddy cheeks. "I know I shouldn't have laughed when they said they thought they had a chance, but it was so priceless to see them pretending to talk like grown-ups." Saying that they felt they were being patronized, the Rockies concluded the press conference with quite the temper tantrum, because they were tired and cranky and needed a nap.

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