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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.
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Adult Film Industry Replaces 500 Porn Stars With Hydraulic Robotic Fisting Arm

LOS ANGELES—Rendered obsolete by the robot’s orifice-pounding abilities, nearly 500 porn stars were replaced this week by a hydraulic-powered fisting arm that industry reps said could go harder, faster, and longer than any of its human counterparts. “In order to keep up with the growing demand for the filthiest, most insane hole-stretching action imaginable, production companies have had to augment their workforces with machines that can be programmed to fist around the clock with only the occasional application of lubricant,” said adult film producer Spike Oster, adding that the German-engineered robot was designed to plow elbow-deep into even the tightest of barely-legal slits. “Obviously we respect the hard work and dedication of human actors, but having the option to employ just one fully detached arm that can be quickly customized according to the gender and ethnicity requirements of a film makes far more economic sense.” Oster went on to say that the laid-off porn stars would have no trouble finding new jobs, however, assuming they were willing to move to the emerging fisting markets of Asia and the Middle East.

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