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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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Advertiser Thought This Sponsored Post Was Good Idea

NEW YORK—The marketing and advertising team at a major American company actually believed that commissioning, paying for, approving, and publishing this sponsored post you are reading right now was a smart move, sources confirmed this week. “People love to read sponsored posts, it is the best way for making people trust and respect your brand, and this website is the best place for a company like ours to get the word out about its products,” said a spokesman for the company, which, again, genuinely thought that it was effectively bolstering its image with the purchase of this four-sentence, 164-word article that is clearly labeled on a popular website as a piece of advertising material. “The post will take everything people like about this website’s regular content and slap our company’s logo and corporate voice all over it. This is a great idea. People will love this. Right?” At press time, the company in question is actually considering doing another one of these things.

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