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Content From 2013-09-26

20% Of Yelp Reviews Fake

Following a recent study that found that 20 percent of all reviews on Yelp are fake, the attorney general of New York announced it had fined 19 businesses for posting fraudulent positive reviews, which had been farmed out to phony reviewers in Bangladesh,...

Jacob Elish

Jacob Elish watched a pornographic movie featuring an actress that vaguely resembled his wife.

Facebook Version Of Marriage Going Great

SAN JOSE, CA—Citing the numerous photos and status updates that the couple regularly post online, sources confirmed Wednesday that the Facebook version of Annie and Colin Wheeler’s eight-year marriage is going extremely well. Several of the Wh...

World’s Insect Leaders Attend G20,000,000,000 Summit

OTTAWA—A host of high-ranking insect leaders convened in Canada for the annual G20,000,000,000 summit Friday, addressing various challenges facing today’s insects and promoting stability among the global bug population. The two-day conference,...

Ted Cruz Gives 21-Hour Speech Against Obamacare

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX), with the help of a few other conservative senators, spoke for over 21 hours on the floor of the Senate beginning yesterday afternoon as part of his effort to defund the Affordable Care Act.

Tamara Federici

Tamara Federici gave her friend a couple of extra back pats during their goodbye hug.

Owner Admits Fantasy Team In Rebuilding Year

NEW YORK—During a press conference this week to discuss his expectations for the upcoming fantasy football season, Brad’s Awesome Team owner Brad Blevins asked fans for patience as his franchise enters rebuilding mode.

Burger King Debuts Low-Fat ‘Satisfries’

Fast food chain Burger King is rolling out a new item that it calls Satisfries, a type of crinkle-cut french fry that allegedly has 40 percent less fat and 30 percent fewer calories than McDonald’s french fries.

Intricacies Of Meal Plan Discussed

BOSTON—Boston University freshman Zack Klein explained the ins and outs of his meal plan Monday, telling friends that he went with the “9-Plus Plan” because it makes the most sense based on his eating habits and class schedule, sources c...

Highlights Of Obama’s Speech To The United Nations

President Barack Obama spoke in front of the United Nations General Assembly on Tuesday. Here are some prominent moments from the president’s address: Begins speech by saying, “It’d be one heck of a relief if the United States di...

Fantasized Argument Getting Pretty Intense

BELMONT, MA­­—Escalating over the course of 20 minutes from a restrained discussion with a coworker to a heated confrontation between multiple members of his management team, the fantasized argument currently taking place in the mind of Digi...

Nation Sick Of Looming Stuff

WASHINGTON—Noting the ceaseless onslaught of issues constantly nearing the eleventh hour, Americans across the country told reporters Tuesday they are sick and tired of all this looming stuff.
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Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Advertiser Thought This Sponsored Post Was Good Idea

NEW YORK—The marketing and advertising team at a major American company actually believed that commissioning, paying for, approving, and publishing this sponsored post you are reading right now was a smart move, sources confirmed this week. “People love to read sponsored posts, it is the best way for making people trust and respect your brand, and this website is the best place for a company like ours to get the word out about its products,” said a spokesman for the company, which, again, genuinely thought that it was effectively bolstering its image with the purchase of this four-sentence, 164-word article that is clearly labeled on a popular website as a piece of advertising material. “The post will take everything people like about this website’s regular content and slap our company’s logo and corporate voice all over it. This is a great idea. People will love this. Right?” At press time, the company in question is actually considering doing another one of these things.

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