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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Advertising Executive Gets In Touch With Inner-Child Demographic

BOSTON–Struggling to find the perfect marketing hook for a new rainbow-colored string-cheese snack, Holland Mark Advertising executive Darius McLain got in touch with his own inner-child demographic–a purchasing sector he had all but forgotten since the onset of adolescence. "I asked myself, what would make a kid want to buy Color Magic Cheez-bows?" said McLain, 44, after the emotional breakthrough. "Only after looking within myself and rediscovering the 8- to 12-year-old male buried deep inside did I hit upon the ideal angle." McLain next plans to get in touch with his feminine-urban-professional side to develop a campaign for No Nonsense pantyhose.

After Birth

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