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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Advertising Manager Working Hard To Teach Son Value Of An Impression

CORTLAND, NY—Determined to cultivate the same deep, abiding passion for web traffic analysis that led him to his position as advertising manager at FirstStar Media Group, local father Brian Emmerich told reporters this week that he strives every day to teach the value of an ad impression to his 3-year-old son, Wyatt. “Appreciating the true meaning of an online impression—that special moment when an ad is seen by a web user—that’s something you learn at a very young age and keep for your entire life. It’s an essential part of who you are,” said Emmerich, adding that such core principles would allow his child later in life to monitor click-through rates, analyze heat maps, and generate cost-effective advertising. “Sure, as he grows older, web trends may change. But for my son to know in his heart that impressions form the very foundation of brand awareness—nothing can ever take that away from him.” Emmerich added that seeing his son fully grasp the worth of an impression would make him just as proud, if not prouder than when he heard his boy say his first search-engine-optimized keyword.

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