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Google Unveils New Larry Page–Driven Car

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the project as its most advanced foray yet into the realm of personal transportation, Google unveiled its new Larry Page–driven car at a press event Wednesday.

Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.
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Advertising Manager Working Hard To Teach Son Value Of An Impression

CORTLAND, NY—Determined to cultivate the same deep, abiding passion for web traffic analysis that led him to his position as advertising manager at FirstStar Media Group, local father Brian Emmerich told reporters this week that he strives every day to teach the value of an ad impression to his 3-year-old son, Wyatt. “Appreciating the true meaning of an online impression—that special moment when an ad is seen by a web user—that’s something you learn at a very young age and keep for your entire life. It’s an essential part of who you are,” said Emmerich, adding that such core principles would allow his child later in life to monitor click-through rates, analyze heat maps, and generate cost-effective advertising. “Sure, as he grows older, web trends may change. But for my son to know in his heart that impressions form the very foundation of brand awareness—nothing can ever take that away from him.” Emmerich added that seeing his son fully grasp the worth of an impression would make him just as proud, if not prouder than when he heard his boy say his first search-engine-optimized keyword.

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