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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Advertising Manager Working Hard To Teach Son Value Of An Impression

CORTLAND, NY—Determined to cultivate the same deep, abiding passion for web traffic analysis that led him to his position as advertising manager at FirstStar Media Group, local father Brian Emmerich told reporters this week that he strives every day to teach the value of an ad impression to his 3-year-old son, Wyatt. “Appreciating the true meaning of an online impression—that special moment when an ad is seen by a web user—that’s something you learn at a very young age and keep for your entire life. It’s an essential part of who you are,” said Emmerich, adding that such core principles would allow his child later in life to monitor click-through rates, analyze heat maps, and generate cost-effective advertising. “Sure, as he grows older, web trends may change. But for my son to know in his heart that impressions form the very foundation of brand awareness—nothing can ever take that away from him.” Emmerich added that seeing his son fully grasp the worth of an impression would make him just as proud, if not prouder than when he heard his boy say his first search-engine-optimized keyword.

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