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Advisors Hopeful Jeb Bush Finally Has Momentum To End Campaign

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Election 2016

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak
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Advisors Hopeful Jeb Bush Finally Has Momentum To End Campaign

HENNIKER, NH—Saying his performance in last night’s Iowa caucuses provided just the push he needed, advisors for Jeb Bush expressed their hope Tuesday that the Republican candidate has finally garnered enough momentum to end his presidential campaign. “If you look back across several weeks of polling data, you can see that Jeb is definitely starting to build a full head of steam and appears to be in an excellent position to exit the presidential race,” said campaign manager Danny Diaz, adding that Bush wasn’t just picking up speed in the early primary states but across the country as a whole, and appeared poised to retake the national spotlight by announcing the suspension of his campaign. “New Hampshire can be a significant turning point for this campaign if Jeb finishes similarly there. It feels like we could certainly keep following this trajectory and make a big move to call it quits. Let me tell you, there’s a certain energy in the Bush camp right now.” At press time, Bush’s campaign office was buzzing with dozens of staffers canceling accommodations and tour stops all across South Carolina and Nevada.

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