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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Aerobics Linked To Lousy Music

LOS ANGELES—A UCLA study released Monday demonstrates a strong link between aerobics and lousy music. "In 98 percent of cases where aerobics are being performed, lousy music can be clearly heard in the vicinity," study head Dr. Ronald Braun said. "Whether it's 'Gonna Make You Sweat' by C&C Music Factory or 'Another Night' by Real McCoy, expect to find songs that are in the lousy-to-crappy range wherever there is an aerobics class taking place." When asked if there is any link between the lousy music and the vacuous, airheaded superficiality of aerobics enthusiasts, Braun replied, "Definitely."

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