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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Aerobics Linked To Lousy Music

LOS ANGELES—A UCLA study released Monday demonstrates a strong link between aerobics and lousy music. "In 98 percent of cases where aerobics are being performed, lousy music can be clearly heard in the vicinity," study head Dr. Ronald Braun said. "Whether it's 'Gonna Make You Sweat' by C&C Music Factory or 'Another Night' by Real McCoy, expect to find songs that are in the lousy-to-crappy range wherever there is an aerobics class taking place." When asked if there is any link between the lousy music and the vacuous, airheaded superficiality of aerobics enthusiasts, Braun replied, "Definitely."

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