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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Aerobics Show Used For Almost Completely Non-Aerobic Purpose

BELLEVUE, WA—The aerobics program Get Fit With Jenni was used for almost entirely non-aerobic purposes Tuesday, when Seattle-area 15-year-old Brian Elkins vigorously engaged in a low-impact cardiovascular workout while watching the TV show. Elkins performed his semi-aerobic routine while watching 22-year-old host Jenni Raye, clad in a spandex bikini-top and form-fitting lycra shorts, do hamstring-toning leg lifts while bent over on all fours. "We have determined that Brian's heart rate increased by about 35 percent during his semi-strenuous nine-minute regimen," said Elkins family physician Dr. Edward Farber. "His breathing rate likewise increased, and several large and small muscle groups received a modicum of aerobic movement and stretching." Elkins, who woke up with minor soreness the next day, said he "could really feel it working."

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