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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Aerobics Show Used For Almost Completely Non-Aerobic Purpose

BELLEVUE, WA—The aerobics program Get Fit With Jenni was used for almost entirely non-aerobic purposes Tuesday, when Seattle-area 15-year-old Brian Elkins vigorously engaged in a low-impact cardiovascular workout while watching the TV show. Elkins performed his semi-aerobic routine while watching 22-year-old host Jenni Raye, clad in a spandex bikini-top and form-fitting lycra shorts, do hamstring-toning leg lifts while bent over on all fours. "We have determined that Brian's heart rate increased by about 35 percent during his semi-strenuous nine-minute regimen," said Elkins family physician Dr. Edward Farber. "His breathing rate likewise increased, and several large and small muscle groups received a modicum of aerobic movement and stretching." Elkins, who woke up with minor soreness the next day, said he "could really feel it working."

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