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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Aerosol Can Surprisingly Upfront About Giving You Cancer

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Taken aback by the packaging’s unexpected honesty and directness, sources expressed surprise Wednesday upon noticing that a can of brand-name aerosol disinfectant was so forthright about giving you cancer. “Look, it says ‘CONTAINS KNOWN CARCINOGENS’ almost as big as the Lysol logo—damn, they really went for it,” said 29-year-old resident Maureen Benthos as she inspected the can while shopping at a local Target, pointing out that the container had the word ‘carcinogenic’ in three other places, all in bold, red lettering. “They didn’t even try to obscure it with scientific language or fine print. It basically just says ‘cancer’ all over this thing. Wow.” Several consumers expressed frustration at the labeling, however, noting that it was nowhere near as candid about how high it will get you.

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