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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Aerosol Can Surprisingly Upfront About Giving You Cancer

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Taken aback by the packaging’s unexpected honesty and directness, sources expressed surprise Wednesday upon noticing that a can of brand-name aerosol disinfectant was so forthright about giving you cancer. “Look, it says ‘CONTAINS KNOWN CARCINOGENS’ almost as big as the Lysol logo—damn, they really went for it,” said 29-year-old resident Maureen Benthos as she inspected the can while shopping at a local Target, pointing out that the container had the word ‘carcinogenic’ in three other places, all in bold, red lettering. “They didn’t even try to obscure it with scientific language or fine print. It basically just says ‘cancer’ all over this thing. Wow.” Several consumers expressed frustration at the labeling, however, noting that it was nowhere near as candid about how high it will get you.

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