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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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AFC East

Buffalo Bills

  • Strength: Buffalo is well-known for its friendly locals, its world-famous wings, and its proximity to beautiful Niagara Falls
  • Weakness: Once again pretty much centers around the entire roster
  • Player To Watch: Starting quarterback Trent Edwards. Wait, him again? God, these guys are so fucked
  • Intangibles: The AFC East is, perhaps, the league's most talented division, making it the most respectable division to finish last in

New England Patriots

  • Strength: Bill Belichick has avoided stealing any wives recently, so he should be focused on the 2010 season; people are sure to tout the Patriots' experience and maturity as opposed to flat-out calling them old
  • Weakness: Considering the talent of this year's rookie class, it's a shame that Belichick will once more work one of them until he dies
  • Intangibles: Can't discount the possibility of another horrific injury to quarterback Tom Brady; oh, please, Lord, let there be another horrific injury to Tom Brady
  • Biggest Question: This may be the year New England finally falls out of contention, but we know full well these fucks will pull a 12-4 season out of their ass somehow

Miami Dolphins

  • Strength: With a new big-name free agent and a talented young quarterback, Miami has the potential to disappoint like never before
  • Weakness: A common sleeper pick among analysts; few things spell your demise quite as surely as that
  • Player To Watch: LeBron James should play his first game at tight end roughly halfway through the season
  • Intangibles: Already boasting loads of beautiful women and the NBA's most talented assemblage of players, Miami needs only to win the Super Bowl to really send a fuck-you to the rest of the nation

New York Jets

  • Strength: Rex Ryan is a coach who leads by example, an approach that has helped the Jets build one of the fattest offensive lines in the league
  • Weakness: New Jet Santonio Holmes claimed to have a great weed connect, but after hooking teammates up with total schwag, he has lots of ground to make up
  • Player To Watch: Quarterback Mark Sanchez, specifically his muscular thighs and perfectly sculpted ass
  • Biggest Question: Why exactly is everyone so optimistic about this team in the preseason every single year?

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