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Sports

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.
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AFC East

Buffalo Bills

  • Strength: Buffalo is well-known for its friendly locals, its world-famous wings, and its proximity to beautiful Niagara Falls
  • Weakness: Once again pretty much centers around the entire roster
  • Player To Watch: Starting quarterback Trent Edwards. Wait, him again? God, these guys are so fucked
  • Intangibles: The AFC East is, perhaps, the league's most talented division, making it the most respectable division to finish last in

New England Patriots

  • Strength: Bill Belichick has avoided stealing any wives recently, so he should be focused on the 2010 season; people are sure to tout the Patriots' experience and maturity as opposed to flat-out calling them old
  • Weakness: Considering the talent of this year's rookie class, it's a shame that Belichick will once more work one of them until he dies
  • Intangibles: Can't discount the possibility of another horrific injury to quarterback Tom Brady; oh, please, Lord, let there be another horrific injury to Tom Brady
  • Biggest Question: This may be the year New England finally falls out of contention, but we know full well these fucks will pull a 12-4 season out of their ass somehow

Miami Dolphins

  • Strength: With a new big-name free agent and a talented young quarterback, Miami has the potential to disappoint like never before
  • Weakness: A common sleeper pick among analysts; few things spell your demise quite as surely as that
  • Player To Watch: LeBron James should play his first game at tight end roughly halfway through the season
  • Intangibles: Already boasting loads of beautiful women and the NBA's most talented assemblage of players, Miami needs only to win the Super Bowl to really send a fuck-you to the rest of the nation

New York Jets

  • Strength: Rex Ryan is a coach who leads by example, an approach that has helped the Jets build one of the fattest offensive lines in the league
  • Weakness: New Jet Santonio Holmes claimed to have a great weed connect, but after hooking teammates up with total schwag, he has lots of ground to make up
  • Player To Watch: Quarterback Mark Sanchez, specifically his muscular thighs and perfectly sculpted ass
  • Biggest Question: Why exactly is everyone so optimistic about this team in the preseason every single year?
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