adBlockCheck

AFC East

Top Headlines

Sports

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

AFC East

Buffalo Bills

  • Strength: Buffalo is well-known for its friendly locals, its world-famous wings, and its proximity to beautiful Niagara Falls
  • Weakness: Once again pretty much centers around the entire roster
  • Player To Watch: Starting quarterback Trent Edwards. Wait, him again? God, these guys are so fucked
  • Intangibles: The AFC East is, perhaps, the league's most talented division, making it the most respectable division to finish last in

New England Patriots

  • Strength: Bill Belichick has avoided stealing any wives recently, so he should be focused on the 2010 season; people are sure to tout the Patriots' experience and maturity as opposed to flat-out calling them old
  • Weakness: Considering the talent of this year's rookie class, it's a shame that Belichick will once more work one of them until he dies
  • Intangibles: Can't discount the possibility of another horrific injury to quarterback Tom Brady; oh, please, Lord, let there be another horrific injury to Tom Brady
  • Biggest Question: This may be the year New England finally falls out of contention, but we know full well these fucks will pull a 12-4 season out of their ass somehow

Miami Dolphins

  • Strength: With a new big-name free agent and a talented young quarterback, Miami has the potential to disappoint like never before
  • Weakness: A common sleeper pick among analysts; few things spell your demise quite as surely as that
  • Player To Watch: LeBron James should play his first game at tight end roughly halfway through the season
  • Intangibles: Already boasting loads of beautiful women and the NBA's most talented assemblage of players, Miami needs only to win the Super Bowl to really send a fuck-you to the rest of the nation

New York Jets

  • Strength: Rex Ryan is a coach who leads by example, an approach that has helped the Jets build one of the fattest offensive lines in the league
  • Weakness: New Jet Santonio Holmes claimed to have a great weed connect, but after hooking teammates up with total schwag, he has lots of ground to make up
  • Player To Watch: Quarterback Mark Sanchez, specifically his muscular thighs and perfectly sculpted ass
  • Biggest Question: Why exactly is everyone so optimistic about this team in the preseason every single year?

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close