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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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AFC East

Buffalo Bills

  • Strength: Buffalo is well-known for its friendly locals, its world-famous wings, and its proximity to beautiful Niagara Falls
  • Weakness: Once again pretty much centers around the entire roster
  • Player To Watch: Starting quarterback Trent Edwards. Wait, him again? God, these guys are so fucked
  • Intangibles: The AFC East is, perhaps, the league's most talented division, making it the most respectable division to finish last in

New England Patriots

  • Strength: Bill Belichick has avoided stealing any wives recently, so he should be focused on the 2010 season; people are sure to tout the Patriots' experience and maturity as opposed to flat-out calling them old
  • Weakness: Considering the talent of this year's rookie class, it's a shame that Belichick will once more work one of them until he dies
  • Intangibles: Can't discount the possibility of another horrific injury to quarterback Tom Brady; oh, please, Lord, let there be another horrific injury to Tom Brady
  • Biggest Question: This may be the year New England finally falls out of contention, but we know full well these fucks will pull a 12-4 season out of their ass somehow

Miami Dolphins

  • Strength: With a new big-name free agent and a talented young quarterback, Miami has the potential to disappoint like never before
  • Weakness: A common sleeper pick among analysts; few things spell your demise quite as surely as that
  • Player To Watch: LeBron James should play his first game at tight end roughly halfway through the season
  • Intangibles: Already boasting loads of beautiful women and the NBA's most talented assemblage of players, Miami needs only to win the Super Bowl to really send a fuck-you to the rest of the nation

New York Jets

  • Strength: Rex Ryan is a coach who leads by example, an approach that has helped the Jets build one of the fattest offensive lines in the league
  • Weakness: New Jet Santonio Holmes claimed to have a great weed connect, but after hooking teammates up with total schwag, he has lots of ground to make up
  • Player To Watch: Quarterback Mark Sanchez, specifically his muscular thighs and perfectly sculpted ass
  • Biggest Question: Why exactly is everyone so optimistic about this team in the preseason every single year?

More from this section

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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