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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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AFC North

Pittsburgh Steelers

  • Strength: Coach Mike Tomlin's inability to figure out if the Steelers are a running team or a passing team keeps opposing defenses on their toes
  • Weakness: Roethlisberger has lost considerable respect in his own locker room and throughout the league because he was not convicted of a crime
  • Intangibles: Commitment to defense forces opposing teams to respect the Steel Curtain until they realize at halftime that it's overrated and they should probably be exploiting a secondary that is actually pretty terrible
  • Biggest Question: Is this finally the year Dan Rooney dies?

Cincinnati Bengals

  • Strength: In the past three years, their ability to convince NFL experts the team could make it to the Super Bowl has been staggering
  • Weakness: Terrell Owens wants to prove he can still play at a high level, but he wants to systematically destroy an entire football organization much, much more
  • Intangibles: The combination of T.O. and Ochocinco could make the Bengals so annoying at the receiver position that other teams forfeit to avoid playing them
  • Biggest Question: How good is Carson Palmer's psychiatrist?

Cleveland Browns

  • Strength: N/A
  • Weakness: Okay, where to begin? Let's see, Jake Delhomme is their starting quarterback. Bobby Engram, their 37-year-old starting wide receiver, caught 5 passes last year. Running back Jamal Lewis was cut in the off-season. Man, this is fun and easy! What else? Okay! They're in a constant state of rebuilding and have no team identity, the future of the franchise is Colt McCoy, and their biggest asset is team president and non-football-player Mike Holmgren
  • Strength: Oh, just thought of one: dog faces
  • Player to Watch: To see Colt McCoy become a starter too early, get extremely flustered, and have a terrible rookie season could be quite delightful
  • Biggest Question: How soon will fans bust out the paper bags?

Baltimore Ravens

  • Strength: Though it exceeds every level of human comprehension, Joe Flacco continues to improve at quarterback
  • Weakness: On the whole, people get a depressed, nauseous feeling when forced to admit the Ravens are a pretty good football team
  • Player To Watch: Signing free agent receiver Anquan Boldin from Arizona was a good move; however, at $3 trillion a year, the Ravens may have overspent
  • Biggest Question: Can they avoid injuries by politely asking Ray Lewis to stop head butting them?

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