SOUTH WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Expressing sorrow at the mere thought of what she has to endure, Americans across the nation confirmed Thursday that they feel absolutely terrible for the wife of a Little League World Series coach.
NORMAN, OK—Watching the 11-year-old play shortstop for his Little League team, local father Mark Garrett reported Wednesday that he thinks his son, Nathan, has what it takes to become an embittered alcoholic journeyman in the minor leagues.
WASHINGTON—Noting that the two-week spectacle had likely stirred up a newfound passion and enthusiasm for the Games, reports confirmed Monday that some dumb fuck out there probably wants his city to host the Olympics now.
RIO DE JANEIRO—Reflecting on the recently concluded 2016 Summer Games in Rio, members of the International Olympic Committee held a press conference Sunday to proudly announce that on the whole, only about four or five really terrible things happened.
MOSCOW—Stressing that they are on the precipice of a major crisis, Russian Olympic Committee officials held a press conference Friday to confirm that the team’s clean urine reservoir is almost fully depleted.
RIO DE JANEIRO—Candidly opening up about his winning strategy after taking gold in the event, U.S. Olympic triple-jumper Christian Taylor revealed to reporters Friday that the key to a successful triple jump is jumping twice, and then jumping one more time.
RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
SPOKANE, WA—Noting the veteran sportscaster’s perseverance through such difficult conditions, 31-year-old Olympics fan Roland Keller expressed his amazement to reporters Thursday at the sheer grit and determination displayed by Dan Patrick as he engaged in several moments of small talk with NBC host Bob Costas.
NEW YORK—Already eagerly anticipating the team’s follow-up to their lackluster performance in Rio, basketball fans across the nation expressed their excitement to reporters Wednesday about the incredible U.S. men’s basketball team that will be put together in 2020 as redemption for the 2016 Olympics.
NEW YORK—Recognizing the 14-time All-Star as he played the final game of his 20-year MLB career Friday, the New York Yankees honored retiring third baseman Alex Rodriguez with a three-second-long tribute video.
NEW YORK—Announcing the record-setting deal hours before his final game as a player, the New York Yankees revealed at a press conference Friday that the team has signed Alex Rodriguez to a 10-year, $420 million contract as a front office consultant.
RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
RIO DE JANEIRO—Glowing with pride as he spoke about his infant son’s strict daily nutritional regimen, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps explained to reporters Wednesday that his 3-month-old son, Boomer, consumes 12,000 calories of breast milk per day.
MONTREAL—Saying they have received multiple phone calls and emails from the NBC Sports host every day for the past four weeks, members of the World Anti-Doping Agency told reporters Tuesday they were extremely unnerved by Bob Costas’ repeated requests to submit his own urine sample ahead of the 2016 Summer Olympics.
RIO DE JANEIRO—Chronicling what many have called the most touching and incredible narrative of the Rio Games, NBC aired a special feature Monday about the inspirational story of Bridgestone’s journey to the 2016 Olympics.
RIO DE JANEIRO—Gripping the brightly colored character neck and displaying him as an offering to ensure a successful Games, Olympics head priestess Esmeralda Caixeta sanctified the opening ceremony by slitting the throat of Rio mascot Vinicius from ear to ear, sources confirmed Friday.
RIO DE JANEIRO—Citing the variety of long, drawn-out performances and back-to-back recitations of the Olympic oath in 30 different languages, sources confirmed Friday that Rio Olympics officials were clearly trying to buy more time with a six-day-long opening ceremony.
Strength: Coach Mike Tomlin's inability to figure out if the Steelers are a running team or a passing team keeps opposing defenses on their toes
Weakness: Roethlisberger has lost considerable respect in his own locker room and throughout the league because he was not convicted of a crime
Intangibles: Commitment to defense forces opposing teams to respect the Steel Curtain until they realize at halftime that it's overrated and they should probably be exploiting a secondary that is actually pretty terrible
Biggest Question: Is this finally the year Dan Rooney dies?
Strength: In the past three years, their ability to convince NFL experts the team could make it to the Super Bowl has been staggering
Weakness: Terrell Owens wants to prove he can still play at a high level, but he wants to systematically destroy an entire football organization much, much more
Intangibles: The combination of T.O. and Ochocinco could make the Bengals so annoying at the receiver position that other teams forfeit to avoid playing them
Biggest Question: How good is Carson Palmer's psychiatrist?
Weakness: Okay, where to begin? Let's see, Jake Delhomme is their starting quarterback. Bobby Engram, their 37-year-old starting wide receiver, caught 5 passes last year. Running back Jamal Lewis was cut in the off-season. Man, this is fun and easy! What else? Okay! They're in a constant state of rebuilding and have no team identity, the future of the franchise is Colt McCoy, and their biggest asset is team president and non-football-player Mike Holmgren
Strength: Oh, just thought of one: dog faces
Player to Watch: To see Colt McCoy become a starter too early, get extremely flustered, and have a terrible rookie season could be quite delightful
Biggest Question: How soon will fans bust out the paper bags?
Strength: Though it exceeds every level of human comprehension, Joe Flacco continues to improve at quarterback
Weakness: On the whole, people get a depressed, nauseous feeling when forced to admit the Ravens are a pretty good football team
Player To Watch: Signing free agent receiver Anquan Boldin from Arizona was a good move; however, at $3 trillion a year, the Ravens may have overspent
Biggest Question: Can they avoid injuries by politely asking Ray Lewis to stop head butting them?