BEAVERTON, OR—Touting the undergarment as an essential item for women on the go, Nike released a new sports bra Monday designed for wearing directly under a coat while shambling around the grocery store, sources reported.
- Strength: Coach Mike Tomlin's inability to figure out if the Steelers are a running team or a passing team keeps opposing defenses on their toes
- Weakness: Roethlisberger has lost considerable respect in his own locker room and throughout the league because he was not convicted of a crime
- Intangibles: Commitment to defense forces opposing teams to respect the Steel Curtain until they realize at halftime that it's overrated and they should probably be exploiting a secondary that is actually pretty terrible
- Biggest Question: Is this finally the year Dan Rooney dies?
- Strength: In the past three years, their ability to convince NFL experts the team could make it to the Super Bowl has been staggering
- Weakness: Terrell Owens wants to prove he can still play at a high level, but he wants to systematically destroy an entire football organization much, much more
- Intangibles: The combination of T.O. and Ochocinco could make the Bengals so annoying at the receiver position that other teams forfeit to avoid playing them
- Biggest Question: How good is Carson Palmer's psychiatrist?
- Strength: N/A
- Weakness: Okay, where to begin? Let's see, Jake Delhomme is their starting quarterback. Bobby Engram, their 37-year-old starting wide receiver, caught 5 passes last year. Running back Jamal Lewis was cut in the off-season. Man, this is fun and easy! What else? Okay! They're in a constant state of rebuilding and have no team identity, the future of the franchise is Colt McCoy, and their biggest asset is team president and non-football-player Mike Holmgren
- Strength: Oh, just thought of one: dog faces
- Player to Watch: To see Colt McCoy become a starter too early, get extremely flustered, and have a terrible rookie season could be quite delightful
- Biggest Question: How soon will fans bust out the paper bags?
- Strength: Though it exceeds every level of human comprehension, Joe Flacco continues to improve at quarterback
- Weakness: On the whole, people get a depressed, nauseous feeling when forced to admit the Ravens are a pretty good football team
- Player To Watch: Signing free agent receiver Anquan Boldin from Arizona was a good move; however, at $3 trillion a year, the Ravens may have overspent
- Biggest Question: Can they avoid injuries by politely asking Ray Lewis to stop head butting them?