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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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AFC North

Pittsburgh Steelers

  • Strength: Coach Mike Tomlin's inability to figure out if the Steelers are a running team or a passing team keeps opposing defenses on their toes
  • Weakness: Roethlisberger has lost considerable respect in his own locker room and throughout the league because he was not convicted of a crime
  • Intangibles: Commitment to defense forces opposing teams to respect the Steel Curtain until they realize at halftime that it's overrated and they should probably be exploiting a secondary that is actually pretty terrible
  • Biggest Question: Is this finally the year Dan Rooney dies?

Cincinnati Bengals

  • Strength: In the past three years, their ability to convince NFL experts the team could make it to the Super Bowl has been staggering
  • Weakness: Terrell Owens wants to prove he can still play at a high level, but he wants to systematically destroy an entire football organization much, much more
  • Intangibles: The combination of T.O. and Ochocinco could make the Bengals so annoying at the receiver position that other teams forfeit to avoid playing them
  • Biggest Question: How good is Carson Palmer's psychiatrist?

Cleveland Browns

  • Strength: N/A
  • Weakness: Okay, where to begin? Let's see, Jake Delhomme is their starting quarterback. Bobby Engram, their 37-year-old starting wide receiver, caught 5 passes last year. Running back Jamal Lewis was cut in the off-season. Man, this is fun and easy! What else? Okay! They're in a constant state of rebuilding and have no team identity, the future of the franchise is Colt McCoy, and their biggest asset is team president and non-football-player Mike Holmgren
  • Strength: Oh, just thought of one: dog faces
  • Player to Watch: To see Colt McCoy become a starter too early, get extremely flustered, and have a terrible rookie season could be quite delightful
  • Biggest Question: How soon will fans bust out the paper bags?

Baltimore Ravens

  • Strength: Though it exceeds every level of human comprehension, Joe Flacco continues to improve at quarterback
  • Weakness: On the whole, people get a depressed, nauseous feeling when forced to admit the Ravens are a pretty good football team
  • Player To Watch: Signing free agent receiver Anquan Boldin from Arizona was a good move; however, at $3 trillion a year, the Ravens may have overspent
  • Biggest Question: Can they avoid injuries by politely asking Ray Lewis to stop head butting them?

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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