adBlockCheck

Sports

MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
End Of Section
  • More News

AFC South

Jacksonville Jaguars

  • Strength: With stalwart Aaron Kampman at defensive end, opponents will be forced to throw at the weak secondary or run through the soft middle of their line
  • Weakness: Quarterback controversy between Luke McCown and David Garrard has coaches wondering if they should even have a quarterback at all
  • Player To Watch: Pro Bowl quarterback David Garrard
  • Biggest Question: How totally weird was it that three different AFC quarterbacks had to get injured so David Garrard could make the Pro Bowl?

Houston Texans

  • Strength: Head coach Gary Kubiak is more than living up to his nickname as "The John Elway's Backup Of Coaching"; if quarterback Matt Schaub continues to improve at the rate he did between 2007 and 2009, he will throw for 6,000 yards and 90 touchdowns this year
  • Weakness: Decision to limit injuries by not allowing players to tackle may hurt the defense; running back Steve Slaton's habit of coughing up the ball may be indicative of serious digestive issues
  • Player To Watch: DE Mario Williams, three-time winner of the Associated Press "Team's Only Good Player" award
  • Intangibles: None, as the Texans continue to be a manifestly corporeal team

Tennessee Titans

  • Strength: Questions about Vince Young's emotional well-being put to rest by presence of mentally stable backup Kerry Collins
  • Weakness: Jeff Fisher took a big chance by signing three kick returners with phobias of things falling toward them from great heights
  • Intangibles: Running back Chris Johnson must abandon his selfish pursuit of the single-season rushing record and concentrate on piling up yards for his team
  • Biggest Question: The Titans secondary must face Tony Romo, Donovan McNabb, and both Mannings this year; will they be able to keep themselves from attempting to get their autographs during games?

Indianapolis Colts

  • Strength: Peyton Manning
  • Weakness: Standout back Joseph Addai, dangerous receiver Reggie Wayne, and brilliant defensive end Dwight Freeney are not Peyton Manning
  • Player To Watch: Safety Bob Sanders until he gets injured in week four, then Peyton Manning
  • Biggest Question: Why is this consistently excellent team so unbelievably boring to watch?

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close