AFC South

Top Headlines


Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

AFC South

Jacksonville Jaguars

  • Strength: With stalwart Aaron Kampman at defensive end, opponents will be forced to throw at the weak secondary or run through the soft middle of their line
  • Weakness: Quarterback controversy between Luke McCown and David Garrard has coaches wondering if they should even have a quarterback at all
  • Player To Watch: Pro Bowl quarterback David Garrard
  • Biggest Question: How totally weird was it that three different AFC quarterbacks had to get injured so David Garrard could make the Pro Bowl?

Houston Texans

  • Strength: Head coach Gary Kubiak is more than living up to his nickname as "The John Elway's Backup Of Coaching"; if quarterback Matt Schaub continues to improve at the rate he did between 2007 and 2009, he will throw for 6,000 yards and 90 touchdowns this year
  • Weakness: Decision to limit injuries by not allowing players to tackle may hurt the defense; running back Steve Slaton's habit of coughing up the ball may be indicative of serious digestive issues
  • Player To Watch: DE Mario Williams, three-time winner of the Associated Press "Team's Only Good Player" award
  • Intangibles: None, as the Texans continue to be a manifestly corporeal team

Tennessee Titans

  • Strength: Questions about Vince Young's emotional well-being put to rest by presence of mentally stable backup Kerry Collins
  • Weakness: Jeff Fisher took a big chance by signing three kick returners with phobias of things falling toward them from great heights
  • Intangibles: Running back Chris Johnson must abandon his selfish pursuit of the single-season rushing record and concentrate on piling up yards for his team
  • Biggest Question: The Titans secondary must face Tony Romo, Donovan McNabb, and both Mannings this year; will they be able to keep themselves from attempting to get their autographs during games?

Indianapolis Colts

  • Strength: Peyton Manning
  • Weakness: Standout back Joseph Addai, dangerous receiver Reggie Wayne, and brilliant defensive end Dwight Freeney are not Peyton Manning
  • Player To Watch: Safety Bob Sanders until he gets injured in week four, then Peyton Manning
  • Biggest Question: Why is this consistently excellent team so unbelievably boring to watch?


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close