WASHINGTON—Noting that the two-week spectacle had likely stirred up a newfound passion and enthusiasm for the Games, reports confirmed Monday that some dumb fuck out there probably wants his city to host the Olympics now.
RIO DE JANEIRO—Reflecting on the recently concluded 2016 Summer Games in Rio, members of the International Olympic Committee held a press conference Sunday to proudly announce that on the whole, only about four or five really terrible things happened.
MOSCOW—Stressing that they are on the precipice of a major crisis, Russian Olympic Committee officials held a press conference Friday to confirm that the team’s clean urine reservoir is almost fully depleted.
RIO DE JANEIRO—Candidly opening up about his winning strategy after taking gold in the event, U.S. Olympic triple-jumper Christian Taylor revealed to reporters Friday that the key to a successful triple jump is jumping twice, and then jumping one more time.
RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
SPOKANE, WA—Noting the veteran sportscaster’s perseverance through such difficult conditions, 31-year-old Olympics fan Roland Keller expressed his amazement to reporters Thursday at the sheer grit and determination displayed by Dan Patrick as he engaged in several moments of small talk with NBC host Bob Costas.
NEW YORK—Already eagerly anticipating the team’s follow-up to their lackluster performance in Rio, basketball fans across the nation expressed their excitement to reporters Wednesday about the incredible U.S. men’s basketball team that will be put together in 2020 as redemption for the 2016 Olympics.
NEW YORK—Recognizing the 14-time All-Star as he played the final game of his 20-year MLB career Friday, the New York Yankees honored retiring third baseman Alex Rodriguez with a three-second-long tribute video.
NEW YORK—Announcing the record-setting deal hours before his final game as a player, the New York Yankees revealed at a press conference Friday that the team has signed Alex Rodriguez to a 10-year, $420 million contract as a front office consultant.
RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
RIO DE JANEIRO—Glowing with pride as he spoke about his infant son’s strict daily nutritional regimen, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps explained to reporters Wednesday that his 3-month-old son, Boomer, consumes 12,000 calories of breast milk per day.
MONTREAL—Saying they have received multiple phone calls and emails from the NBC Sports host every day for the past four weeks, members of the World Anti-Doping Agency told reporters Tuesday they were extremely unnerved by Bob Costas’ repeated requests to submit his own urine sample ahead of the 2016 Summer Olympics.
RIO DE JANEIRO—Chronicling what many have called the most touching and incredible narrative of the Rio Games, NBC aired a special feature Monday about the inspirational story of Bridgestone’s journey to the 2016 Olympics.
RIO DE JANEIRO—Gripping the brightly colored character neck and displaying him as an offering to ensure a successful Games, Olympics head priestess Esmeralda Caixeta sanctified the opening ceremony by slitting the throat of Rio mascot Vinicius from ear to ear, sources confirmed Friday.
RIO DE JANEIRO—Citing the variety of long, drawn-out performances and back-to-back recitations of the Olympic oath in 30 different languages, sources confirmed Friday that Rio Olympics officials were clearly trying to buy more time with a six-day-long opening ceremony.
RIO DE JANEIRO—Looking around at one another with a mix of dismay and confusion while continuing their choreography, performers at Maracanã Stadium frantically attempted to incorporate a ruptured, spewing sewage pipe into the Rio Olympics opening ceremony Friday.
WASHINGTON—Ahead of the highly anticipated Summer Olympics in Rio, millions of weary and emotionally exhausted Americans expressed excitement Friday at getting the chance to watch the socio-political failings of another country for two weeks.
Strength: With stalwart Aaron Kampman at defensive end, opponents will be forced to throw at the weak secondary or run through the soft middle of their line
Weakness: Quarterback controversy between Luke McCown and David Garrard has coaches wondering if they should even have a quarterback at all
Player To Watch: Pro Bowl quarterback David Garrard
Biggest Question: How totally weird was it that three different AFC quarterbacks had to get injured so David Garrard could make the Pro Bowl?
Strength: Head coach Gary Kubiak is more than living up to his nickname as "The John Elway's Backup Of Coaching"; if quarterback Matt Schaub continues to improve at the rate he did between 2007 and 2009, he will throw for 6,000 yards and 90 touchdowns this year
Weakness: Decision to limit injuries by not allowing players to tackle may hurt the defense; running back Steve Slaton's habit of coughing up the ball may be indicative of serious digestive issues
Player To Watch: DE Mario Williams, three-time winner of the Associated Press "Team's Only Good Player" award
Intangibles: None, as the Texans continue to be a manifestly corporeal team
Strength: Questions about Vince Young's emotional well-being put to rest by presence of mentally stable backup Kerry Collins
Weakness: Jeff Fisher took a big chance by signing three kick returners with phobias of things falling toward them from great heights
Intangibles: Running back Chris Johnson must abandon his selfish pursuit of the single-season rushing record and concentrate on piling up yards for his team
Biggest Question: The Titans secondary must face Tony Romo, Donovan McNabb, and both Mannings this year; will they be able to keep themselves from attempting to get their autographs during games?
Strength: Peyton Manning
Weakness: Standout back Joseph Addai, dangerous receiver Reggie Wayne, and brilliant defensive end Dwight Freeney are not Peyton Manning
Player To Watch: Safety Bob Sanders until he gets injured in week four, then Peyton Manning
Biggest Question: Why is this consistently excellent team so unbelievably boring to watch?