CLEVELAND—Gingerly stepping around several of the largest wet patches on the floor, local Indians fan Mark Freel reportedly assured himself Tuesday that at least some of the liquid covering the ground of the men’s bathroom at Progressive Field was most likely water.
- Strength: Excellent cornerbacks and safeties will provide sure tackling of running backs who are eluding the defensive front seven and rushing untouched into the secondary
- Weakness: Keep trading for other teams' shitty quarterbacks
- Player To Watch: Brady Quinn should have an interesting year, as he has been vigorously studying the Denver phone book
- Intangibles: Whole team is going to see Phil Lesh and Bob Weir at Red Rocks after its week-three loss to the Colts
- Strength: Just nice to see them outside getting some fresh air
- Weakness: As a team, every single player on this roster fucking sucks
- Player To Watch: Quarterback Jason Campbell is an experienced loser and is not going to mope around and act all depressed when team loses eight or nine straight games
- Biggest Question: If Tom Cable isn't fired during or after the season, will Al Davis get rid of him by drowning him in the Gatorade container?
San Diego Chargers
- Strength: Unmatched at dominating the competition all season long and then dramatically losing in their first playoff game
- Weakness: Nate Kaeding purposely kicks field goals wide right or left, as he hates football
- Intangibles: Injuries on both sides of the ball continue to hurt the Chargers as players get stabbed with the points or slam the wide part into their faces
- Biggest Question: Is this the year Shaun Phillips and Shawne Merriman get a consistent spelling on their first names?
Kansas City Chiefs
- Strength: Quarterback Matt Cassel feels satisfied whether receivers catch or drop his passes; easy schedule as team plays seven games in the CFL this season
- Weakness: Offense continues to struggle when trying to huddle up, with most of the players being overpowered and ending up on the ground
- Player To Watch: In need of a solid season to become a potential holdout, wide receiver Dwayne Bowe is finally trying a little
- Biggest Question: Will new offensive coordinator Charlie Weis actually explode after a big lunch?