LOS ANGELES—In an effort to prevent violent confrontations between spectators during home games, Los Angeles law enforcement officials released a statement Tuesday warning all away fans at Dodger Stadium to always wear team-neutral body armor.
- Strength: Excellent cornerbacks and safeties will provide sure tackling of running backs who are eluding the defensive front seven and rushing untouched into the secondary
- Weakness: Keep trading for other teams' shitty quarterbacks
- Player To Watch: Brady Quinn should have an interesting year, as he has been vigorously studying the Denver phone book
- Intangibles: Whole team is going to see Phil Lesh and Bob Weir at Red Rocks after its week-three loss to the Colts
- Strength: Just nice to see them outside getting some fresh air
- Weakness: As a team, every single player on this roster fucking sucks
- Player To Watch: Quarterback Jason Campbell is an experienced loser and is not going to mope around and act all depressed when team loses eight or nine straight games
- Biggest Question: If Tom Cable isn't fired during or after the season, will Al Davis get rid of him by drowning him in the Gatorade container?
San Diego Chargers
- Strength: Unmatched at dominating the competition all season long and then dramatically losing in their first playoff game
- Weakness: Nate Kaeding purposely kicks field goals wide right or left, as he hates football
- Intangibles: Injuries on both sides of the ball continue to hurt the Chargers as players get stabbed with the points or slam the wide part into their faces
- Biggest Question: Is this the year Shaun Phillips and Shawne Merriman get a consistent spelling on their first names?
Kansas City Chiefs
- Strength: Quarterback Matt Cassel feels satisfied whether receivers catch or drop his passes; easy schedule as team plays seven games in the CFL this season
- Weakness: Offense continues to struggle when trying to huddle up, with most of the players being overpowered and ending up on the ground
- Player To Watch: In need of a solid season to become a potential holdout, wide receiver Dwayne Bowe is finally trying a little
- Biggest Question: Will new offensive coordinator Charlie Weis actually explode after a big lunch?