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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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AFC West

Denver Broncos

  • Strength: Excellent cornerbacks and safeties will provide sure tackling of running backs who are eluding the defensive front seven and rushing untouched into the secondary
  • Weakness: Keep trading for other teams' shitty quarterbacks
  • Player To Watch: Brady Quinn should have an interesting year, as he has been vigorously studying the Denver phone book

  • Intangibles: Whole team is going to see Phil Lesh and Bob Weir at Red Rocks after its week-three loss to the Colts

Oakland Raiders

  • Strength: Just nice to see them outside getting some fresh air
  • Weakness: As a team, every single player on this roster fucking sucks
  • Player To Watch: Quarterback Jason Campbell is an experienced loser and is not going to mope around and act all depressed when team loses eight or nine straight games
  • Biggest Question: If Tom Cable isn't fired during or after the season, will Al Davis get rid of him by drowning him in the Gatorade container?

San Diego Chargers

  • Strength: Unmatched at dominating the competition all season long and then dramatically losing in their first playoff game
  • Weakness: Nate Kaeding purposely kicks field goals wide right or left, as he hates football
  • Intangibles: Injuries on both sides of the ball continue to hurt the Chargers as players get stabbed with the points or slam the wide part into their faces
  • Biggest Question: Is this the year Shaun Phillips and Shawne Merriman get a consistent spelling on their first names?

Kansas City Chiefs

  • Strength: Quarterback Matt Cassel feels satisfied whether receivers catch or drop his passes; easy schedule as team plays seven games in the CFL this season
  • Weakness: Offense continues to struggle when trying to huddle up, with most of the players being overpowered and ending up on the ground
  • Player To Watch: In need of a solid season to become a potential holdout, wide receiver Dwayne Bowe is finally trying a little
  • Biggest Question: Will new offensive coordinator Charlie Weis actually explode after a big lunch?

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