adBlockCheck

AFC West

Top Headlines

Sports

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

AFC West

Denver Broncos

  • Strength: Excellent cornerbacks and safeties will provide sure tackling of running backs who are eluding the defensive front seven and rushing untouched into the secondary
  • Weakness: Keep trading for other teams' shitty quarterbacks
  • Player To Watch: Brady Quinn should have an interesting year, as he has been vigorously studying the Denver phone book

  • Intangibles: Whole team is going to see Phil Lesh and Bob Weir at Red Rocks after its week-three loss to the Colts

Oakland Raiders

  • Strength: Just nice to see them outside getting some fresh air
  • Weakness: As a team, every single player on this roster fucking sucks
  • Player To Watch: Quarterback Jason Campbell is an experienced loser and is not going to mope around and act all depressed when team loses eight or nine straight games
  • Biggest Question: If Tom Cable isn't fired during or after the season, will Al Davis get rid of him by drowning him in the Gatorade container?

San Diego Chargers

  • Strength: Unmatched at dominating the competition all season long and then dramatically losing in their first playoff game
  • Weakness: Nate Kaeding purposely kicks field goals wide right or left, as he hates football
  • Intangibles: Injuries on both sides of the ball continue to hurt the Chargers as players get stabbed with the points or slam the wide part into their faces
  • Biggest Question: Is this the year Shaun Phillips and Shawne Merriman get a consistent spelling on their first names?

Kansas City Chiefs

  • Strength: Quarterback Matt Cassel feels satisfied whether receivers catch or drop his passes; easy schedule as team plays seven games in the CFL this season
  • Weakness: Offense continues to struggle when trying to huddle up, with most of the players being overpowered and ending up on the ground
  • Player To Watch: In need of a solid season to become a potential holdout, wide receiver Dwayne Bowe is finally trying a little
  • Biggest Question: Will new offensive coordinator Charlie Weis actually explode after a big lunch?

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close