‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
End Of Section
  • More News

Affable Detective With Healthy Personal Life Hasn’t Solved Case In Months

SHOW LOW, AZ—Describing him as a family man who always has a smile on his face, sources within the Show Low Police Department confirmed that Dominic Pierce, an affable detective with a rich personal life, hasn’t solved a case in months. According precinct records, Pierce, who promptly leaves work at 6 p.m. each night to have dinner with his wife of 20 years and two daughters, has not brought a single criminal to justice since last fall. Despite the towering stack of unsolved murder, rape, and armed robbery cases piled on his desk, fellow officers told reporters that they respected Pierce for “not hitting the bottle too much” and “never once having a chip on his shoulder.” Precinct sources went on to say that while a detective with the number of cold cases Pierce has racked up should almost certainly be fired, they all agreed they’d hate to lose a great guy like that.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.